feel the love <3

2010-04-26T22:49:00.001+08:00

moved! :)

ask me personally for the url!

2010-04-24T15:37:00.002+08:00

i struggled with my weight, like i always do.
emotional eating prevails.
i eat my feelings.
i drop 4kg here, gain 5 kg there.
lose another 2 gain another 3.
its sucha vicious cycle.

i used to be on the heftier side, but felt rather nonchalant about it.
but i start to care when school starts!
no more slouch in shorts and oversize teees like in sec sch

2010-04-24T12:29:00.001+08:00

because you like me so much,
it is awesome but scary at the same time.
i dont want to be responsible for your heart,
i dont want to disappoint.

2010-03-29T06:05:00.002+08:00

here i am awake. i just cant get to sleep.
everytime i close my eyes,
i get this whole flashback of me waking up on the floor.
with a broken tooth and blood all over.
i cant get it out of my head:(

and i really feel like dying.

no one understands.
and everytime in front of people i try so hard to laugh.
everytime i see photos on fb with everyone smiling, i just wanna tear.
i cant have that darling toothpaste smile chang use to say about my photos.
i cry everynight hoping no one hears.

my throat hurts, my stomach hurts.
eyes red, horrible face.

i rather not had the AD.
i wish i could turn back time.

:(
fml

2010-03-21T22:18:00.002+08:00

there are so many places i wanna go! and places i wanna go back again
but so lil time:(
going to NZ with mark and sean sounds really eggggciting!!
its for work, but for us, mainly to tour haha

i hope bali trip works out.
and anyway, the best news i got this week was my results!
i did really well and i feel so proud of myself haha yes esp because the course that im in!
and HAHA IN YOUR FACE! to whoever that has looked down on me the past 3 yrs in poly.

i hoped kenneth had a great time at his party organised.
i got quite pissed with a few. oh well.
BUT I HAD ALOT OF FUN THRASHIN THE GUYS IN L4D2 hahahhahaha
i wish pearlyn was there xxx

yeah and kenneth and ym is right.
i need girlfriends:(
friends i can go have manicures with, to bitch about.
guys take up a very big part of my life since sec one.
but i miss sleepovers, gossip, chickflicks.
but well, what can i say,
the guys ive known for years have never abandoned me,
theyve sticked with me throughout the good and bad times.

time and time again,
i was being ps-ed by one of my best friends. well not one,
a few. and its not worth trying to do anything about it alr.
they dont seem to even be bothered. so argh wtheck.

all i want now is to get into ntu, and shed 5kg more.
and travel with my friends.
then id feel contented.

i dont like this occassional unhappiness.
ocassional surge of feelings that make me feel so blank, so unwanted, dull and boring.
like i dont have a life, or a heart or anything
just sometimes,
i want to be happy.

yeah,
fairytale much

2010-03-10T20:30:00.002+08:00

Okay, im finally updating:DDDDDD

nothing much has been happening lately,
but im proud to say ive officially survived engineering for three years,
and im most likely, well hoping, to continue for another few years in uni!
well HOPEFULLY, in NTU. haha

been working back at dso and ntu. work is great, much more slack than attachment.
enjoy yongmeng and sufengs company a hell lot:)
they made working life alot better. well cos half the time i keep making them talk to me.

and im awfully egggggggggggcited about bangkoks trip happening in 2 days time!
for sure there'd be a gazillion photos for me to consolidate and all!

kenneths bday is coming.
that also means results day is coming:(
pray i get a 4 for my gpa pls.
preeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeettty please with a cheerrrrry on top!
and with that, most likely, i can go to UNI!

i hope bali trip works out in may.
somehow i hope it happens on my birthday, cos i doubt thered be any plans here in sg.
might as well overseas right!

i miss going out, hanging out with friends:(
i feel like a loner now. i feel abandoned.
why isit when someone has found their other halfs, they just isolate the world
and forget they even had friends whom they were once so close to.
or when friends found a new group of friends they just forget abt your existence.
believe me, ive never forgotten mine. thats of cos, if i have, theres a reason.

i try so hard to arrange meetups,
obviously, all has failed.

argggggh. okay enough, positive thoughts!
whole day ive been feeeeeling so loserish ugly fat and whatnots.
i managed to skip dinner without a grumble from my tummy!

HOKAY!
update abt my trip to bangkok sooooon!

2010-02-18T23:38:00.002+08:00

i feel sad
but no one will understand.
same thing i guess, im not sucha good listener either.

and im friend-less.

hope for a better weekend before work starts:(

2010-02-02T20:56:00.000+08:00

as you know how technology has advanced over the years making communication so much easier and more convenient for people like us. for people who are so busy with what seems important.

Iphone, emails, msn, bbm, and different kinds of application are forms of communication which we all use almost every 5mins to half an hour.
technology brings us closer through words, but drifts us apart physically.
What is xoxo in a text compared to real hugs & kisses,
what's "i love you" without looking at the person's facial expression and body language,
what's a long wordy email of appreciation or gratefulness compared to an embrace or handshake. well yeah, you get my drift.

How good it is to sms your bestfriend "i'll always be there for you"
when you can just be beside her physically lending them your shoulder to cry on
and not whisper a single word. I prefer the latter. Think about it...
would you want the whole world to text you happy birthday
or would you rather just a bunch of close friends to spend quality time with you.

You love a person, you go the extra mile for her.
You don't just sit there type a few strings of words expecting to melt a heart or heal a broken soul.
You go beyond technology, live with the primitive form of transport or communication...
take a bus/cab and show the person you really love him or her
and that they are worth a bus ride, worth your time, worth your physical existence,
definitely worth more than just a sms.

Everything technology can do, we can do but there are still some things we can do, technology can't.
Love is something that technology can't comprehend nor express.

:)

2010-01-25T22:27:00.001+08:00

Unspoken rule known to many, but mentioned by none is that the man got to plan the Valentine's Day. This means reservation of dinner location, present, flowers etc etc (Once done with planning, DO NOT get approval from her. She loves surprises). Some people use this date to get attached or get engaged to their lover *gulp*. In military term, it is a mission that cannot go wrong!

true? got this from maine's blog haha

2010-01-24T19:01:00.002+08:00

We're all capable of loving.
Do you believe me when I say that?

Wild love, passionate love, familial love.
Romantic love, sweet love, puppy love.
Love without calculating consequences, love without demanding, love without asking for more and more and more and more.
Just love-- love and smile in wonder;
just love and be happy.

Be contented because you are able to love.
Love in the present tense.
Oh and there is no such thing as superficial or false or cynical love.
It's like how you love the sky, with reckless abandon.
You love the sky when it rains, when it burns,
when it sends smoke signals through the clouds which tell you to run and hide.
The clouds-- cotton candy clouds, fluffy white clouds, stormy clouds, sparse clouds, picture clouds with hidden messages only you and your sweetheart lying next to you can decipher and understand.
And even without the clouds, on those clear cloudless dawns, mornings, noons, afternoons, evenings and nights, you love the sky.
You see, you love the sky at sunrise, at sunset, and no, no, it's not the sun you love, because even when the sun is no longer there and it's the moon's turn to shine, you love the sky.
You love the sky, and how the stars sprinkle across it.
You love the sky, and how you can make a wish, and just hope, just dream.
You love the sky when it's just a blank canvas, a dark canvas, a canvas that is flat and devoid of tones and colour.
You love the sky when you're directly under it and lift your eyes and see it, nothing in between. You love the sky when you think of how your brother away from home is sleeping under the same sky. The very same sky Shakespeare and Cummings and Magritte and Churchill and McDonald slept under.
You love the sky when you lean back on your office chair,
tilt your head up and see a painted facsimile.

But you've never asked or expected or even secretly yearned for the sky to love you back, have you?
That's love, isn't it?

Why can't it be the same when it comes to people?

i love my family.
why cant they love me the same way i do for them?
i felt so disappointed, so hurt and i dont think any one of you would be able to feel how i felt.
it was like a total nightmare yesterday.
i was in some sort of a heated arguement, or rather i would say, much more than that.
for the first time ever, my brother laid his hands on me. punched me and even took a knife.
not just one of those butter knifes. you could say a chopper.

Undeniably, i was terrified. and my sis made me go to my room. she got punched at for holding him back. for once, i felt grateful tomy sis. i called my mum and she couldn really be bothered.
just gave him a scolding. thats abt it.
the whole scene of him throwing stuff around the house scared me.
it became like a reenactment of what my own dad did.

and then today, i just went out to bring my dog for awhile.
the whole house smelt of smoke. i got into a rage.
yeah i cant stop them from smoking, but at least not in my own room?

my heart feels heavy.
i feel so stressed out.

all i want now is to get into ntu.
my life was ruined once. now that ive made some sort of a comeback,
please grant me just this wish

2010-01-10T23:28:00.002+08:00

I'm just waiting.waiting for your little promises and words
to manifest in some tangible form,
so that i would know that you really meant them,and that it meant something to you too,
and that things werent said out of obligation,
or at times, to fill in the silences.

It's not always fun and laughter,things would be way too easy.
So i'm just waiting now.
to see if they're true.

every small lil detail means alot.
whatever youve done for me,
i truly appreciate it and rmb you for that.

♥

2010-01-04T21:45:00.001+08:00

i feel like shit.
sick
phat
ugly
and no one likes me:(

2010-01-02T09:28:00.002+08:00

I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car, I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big, dumb combat boots and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick — It even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh — Even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it that you're not around. And the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you — Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life.. You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at your, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" turns it into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love. -Neil Gaimon

Patrick: So what's your excuse?
Kat: For?
Patrick: Acting the way you do.
Kat: I don't like to do what people expect. Why should I live up to other people's expectations instead of my own?
Patrick: So you disappoint them from the start and then you're covered, right?
Kat: Something like that…
Patrick: Then you screwed up.
Kat: How?
Patrick: You never disappointed me.

This show never fails to get at me. Something about it. Something about Heath Ledger and Cameron, so real yet so unbelievably not. I wish stereotypes like them existed sometimes. I wish relationships blossomed like that. well, blossomed may not be the best word for this actually but.. I wish I were like Kat, queer, 100% myself, 100% guarded and stubborn, and have someone break me down piece by piece, relentlessly,chipping away the bits to dig underneath, to make me feel something new.

2010-01-01T21:29:00.001+08:00

i cant help but to feel very upset now.
it almost feels like my heart is crying out in silent tears.
i'm not good enough.
i wished i was.

i want to believe i'm "more than good enough"

2010-01-01T13:23:00.003+08:00

presents hidden in pretty wrapping makes me smile for a week
and a hug makes me shiver with happiness

:)

haha finally im back on:)
after i found out there ARE people who check up on this site so dilligently!

2009 hasnt been rather fantastic but yet, it was a great new fresh start for me and my family.
when i mean mean family, i meant me my mum tash and nic.

my studies have improved tremendously, and i dont stress as much anemore!
friends came and go. but i thank god for the people whove stayed by me all these years, and people who ive became close to this year!

PRAY HARD I GET INTO A LOCAL UNI:)
ntu or nus! whichever.

and i hope i can make a decision soon. so i wont have to leave anyone hanging.
last but not least, eat less like a PIG!

2009-12-08T20:23:00.002+08:00

you know how sometimes it feels as though we've got many things to say
but when it comes back down to reality
we'll just cap it all upand start listening to each other's breathing
or the sounds at the background?

at times dont you just wish you will be able to do more,
or at the very least be able to say something?
but all the crying and harsh words just drains me further
to constantly be unreasonable and obstinate
but im so glad that its all over:)

oh bingo, i'm prolly the worst ever

“Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you wanted,
it doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.
Everyone loves differently.”

im trying to understand that.

and i just had a bloody backstabber at dso
as well as micro e. WOW OH WOW.
finally politics come to me. heh

k update another day:)

2009-12-06T09:24:00.003+08:00

to sum it all, 3 words.

i miss you!

; the day you walked out of my life

2009-11-20T00:03:00.000+08:00

Screw what those supposed friends think
It's obvious they reek of jealousy

so so so exhausted and upset:(

2009-11-17T19:39:00.003+08:00

new blog skin:)

ha and another accomplishment for the day. ALMOST DONE with my interim.
will continue after dinner:)

id update again soon!
I LOVE MCS heh

; Built to last

2009-11-03T22:37:00.001+08:00

You know what I think hurts the most?
The feeling of being replaced. It’s like no matter what you did, it wasn’t enough.
And no matter what you do to try and capture their heart again, doesn’t seem to work.
And you’re suddenly left thinking that you’ll never be enough.
And a sudden sadness captures your heart that never really leaves.

pray its ntu and not UK

; you turn every head, but you don't see me.

2009-10-17T11:04:00.001+08:00

There are songs that make us want to dance.
Songs that make us want to sing along.
But the best songs are the ones that bring you back to the moment you first heard them
and once again, break your heart.

school has been taking a toll on me. so tired everyday
and now im not really in the mood to blog.
haha so better luck next time:)

I hate how I am never able to just drop all my inhibitions
and do something I really want to do.
I am never chasing what I really want.
I am never doing what I really, really love.
I hate how I am so scared of taking a fall that I don't put myself out there
Even if its for something I Really Really want
Goddammit!

I'm such an idiot

2009-10-10T10:45:00.001+08:00

A million emotions and thoughts ran through your spirit.
Your every word, every act.

I questioned why I question
But I never replied.I didn't know, or rather,
I didn't want to.

Life presents this mystery to you.
You take it -- With astounding delight.
The clarity, unheard of.

we do it out of love.
Pure uncensored explicit sensational insanity.
Unaccustomed, instinctive, nostalgic.
This repulsive madness of purity and engagement.
we all know it,

A simple starving to be safe.

2009-10-07T21:46:00.001+08:00

i think my sis needs an adjustment for her fuckin attitude

2009-10-03T20:38:00.003+08:00

okay this was basically what ive been up to during the hols three weeks back.

i miss maretta mark and beng!

cant wait for the attachment period to be over!!

not in the mood for any updates now. stayed home the entire day.

feeeels so good not having to do any work!
hope i can do abit of shopping tmr!

and to buy smth for jiale's chalet.

then going with wes and joel at about 5plus.

update next time:)

2009-09-27T13:46:00.002+08:00

Right now, I wish I didn't have emotions or feelings.
And I wish I was stronger.

no parents.
left me alone to take care of the 2.
im breaking down. i cant take it.
its so tough, so hard. im like in this alone.

my working hours are not flexible at all.
how am i suppose to juggle my time to bring home dinner in time for the 2 of them
as well as make sure they are home by 7 and make them study.
when after work, all i just feel like doing is to sleep.
my mum's working time is much more flexible. and she has a car. she doesnt take 1hr to get home. neither does she work from 830am straight to 6pm.

i need a break. and i only get that on weekends. thats all i want. and thats all the time i have to sleep in. but no, she claims i dont help with anything at all.
and when i pointed it all out, i got no reply. i just got "you have to take care of them".

fuck really.

and now they arent even listening to me

on a much lighter note,

Every Girl Needs A ManThe kind that will treat you right.
The kind that searches for you with all his heart.
The kind that respects you and adores you.
Every girl needs a man who won’t cheat on her.
One who can be trusted in a room full of beautiful girls.
Because he’s smart enough to know that he already has a girl who has everything that he wants, needs and more.

The right guy will never leave you lonely and wondering.
You will always know where you stand with him.
He will be your best friend and lover.
He’ll call you early in the morning just to say good morning or late at night to say good night and maybe even tell you a bedtime story to make you laugh or talk to you until you fall asleep.

This guy will be the kind that’ll do anything for you,
even if it’s just to go to the store to buy you your favorite ice cream.
He’ll buy you flowers just because it’s a Wednesday and will notice your hair when you’ve gotten it cut or have gotten all gussied up specifically for him.

You deserve a guy who will cherish you.
He’d never be afraid to smile to his friends when you’re around and tell them, “She’s the one”. He’d appreciate you for the things you do for him, even if they’re little…
like the little love notes you leave him.

He’ll be chivalrous.
He’ll wait for you when you’re falling behind, open doors for you
and will walk you to the door to make sure you get in safely.
He would defend and fight for you and never bail on you when you needed him most.

The right guy will call you beautiful instead of hot, he’ll kiss your forehead when you’re down and he’ll be the one who will love you for everything you are.
Never settle for anything less

Awwwwwwww.
Sweetness overload.

2009-09-23T21:08:00.000+08:00

; cos today your words felt like a knife

2009-09-22T20:28:00.002+08:00

I always think there are so many things to do in life other than just looking rich on the outside but shell empty inside.
Like displaying a virtual image of yourself, speaking out loud due to extreme hunger for attention.
And you probably know who im referring to. well maybe.
Some times, it doesn't feel like how it does before.

Almost every morning, I wake up, consumed by this depressing feeling.
Then I'll drag my tired soul to work, asking myself if this is still calling living in the dreams.
I would plug in fatally emotional music, and then allow my innocent body and soul to sink into this state of suicidal, and then do a reality check soon after.
This whole vicious yet uncontrollable cycle then repeats itself for the rest of the week,
until time blows a timeout whistle.
im so exhausted from work.

and im gaining weight again:(

i want a break.
someone pleaseeeeeeeee bring me out to relax

; make it last forever,and never give it back.
because this moment's really all we have.

2009-09-21T10:55:00.002+08:00

A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves. If he’s not calling you to tell you he loves you and wants you back, it should only be because he’s showing up at your new residence to do it in person. If he’s not doing any of that, he may love you, he may miss you, but ultimately he’s just not that into you. Stop taking his calls and let him know what it’s like to live without you.

— He’s Just Not That Into You

I think id get that book soon.

Friends, are the one thing that no human can do without. It's one of the many important keys to the sanity of a being.

It has hit me hard recently that it's such a controversial word/term that brings about both joy and unhappiness at the same time, you wonder what to make of it alot.
the friends you have can make or break you.
the words that comes out of your friends mouth weigh more heavy than the ones from even your own family.
i wonder why at times i take into consideration an opinion of me from my friends more important than when my parents reprimand me or tell me off.
maybe because everyone's like a liability to everyone.
you and someone can be so tight and close a minute, and the next it's broken.
How scary is that? i often wonder.

It's like living in fear every single day, every single moment.
to me, i've come to learnt that friends are the people who mould a huge part of you and your character.
it's of utmost importance to me that i have a huge trust in my friends,
and in turn they to with me. but every once in awhile,
no friendship is perfect as quarrels, disputes and misunderstandings are inevitable.
sucky, but bound to happen.
it's how you work things out and get everyone out of that rut.
We need a friend and that friend needs you,
just like how elmo needs cookie monster and cookie monster needs elmo.

met up with kenneth ivan weihao pearlyn and yiwen:))
joel came to join us after awhile with derick and louisure!
derick made his dicky:)) dicky = his new baby chimp! HAHA

went to watch chin's performance. ben joined after awhile.
only me yiwen joel derick his friend and louisure went for dinner at sakae.
went to esplanade with joel first before going back.

and i zonked out not long after touching the bed. haha
mannnnn i cant wait for the next public holiday!

2009-09-19T11:08:00.002+08:00

i must have done something really horrid to deserve all these.
i have a whole long list of allergies which is plain sucky,
im like allergic to sweat/perspiration,
i cant stay too long under the sun, even swimming gets me rashes

even the doctor advised me not to be stressed.
LIKE WHAT ON EARTH.
everyone feels stressed. im allergic to bird feathers, dust and all the stupid nonsense!whyyyyyyyyy do i have to deal with all these.
you know how much i love to be outside,
and now i have to coop myself and home cos i refuse to let the world see my horrid peeling skin.
it gets painful at times cos it feels tight and water stings it.
i love to play in the outdoors
but apparently, this stupid skin of mine doesnt allow me to do so.
all my life, ive been going in and out of whatever skin doctor,
everyone says the same thing. you'd grow out of it.
but its a matter of WHEN!

i wish there was something i could take. some pill or whatever.

please, help meeeeeeeeeee=(

okay, enough of all these drama.
work has been wearing me out,
i can hardly catch up or talk to the people i missssssssssssssssss
cos the moment i knock off, i doze off in the bus,
too tired to even come online. and doze off on bed by 11pm goshhh

i cant wear this mask any longer.
even actresses fall down and be weary.
i'm even so much more tired than before.

2009-09-14T21:17:00.002+08:00

attachment was really boring
no internet either.
and my hand is aching badly

:(( i feel so pmsy

sometimes when i refuse to clarify my doubts,
it's because i know i wont like the ending.
so why do i let my inquisitiveness get a hold on me sometimes?
it's been awhile since i've had this feeling again.
i finally poured my heart out to you though it took me quite awhile

no sometimes i dont feel good, i lie about being okay
but im clearly far from okay.
and sometimes your answers are still disappointing to hear about,
but on a better note, sometimes i feel so :) about it.
I'm so afraid everytime we thrash things out, we'll end up like quite badly.
like end everything with tears and an ache there.

okay i sound very contradicting but i really really really dont.
i really really really still want to hang out because it was really fun
and i am very happy everytime i'm with you.
but i dont want it to be anything like the past.
i dont want to repeat what has happened.
i wish we were less complicated then maybe i wouldnt be feeling so upset now.

i like holding you.
i like you holding me.
every time i wish we could just stay like that forever,
i wish the Earth would stop turning for us,
i wish we could just capture that perfect moment so that it will never end.

2009-09-13T09:17:00.002+08:00

Such a simple sentence you said to me yet it made me think for a pretty longggg time.
You say the simplest words in sentences but they actually meant so much more.
You say the mot comprehend-able things to me yet slowly the began to develop their hidden meanings as well.

i miss getting suprises.
NICE ONES!

Speaking of surprises, some have found their way to me I think.
Maybe not a surprise, since its not so much a feeling of astonishment that assaulted me.
Its more of an unnoticed quiet spreading through the previously forgotten (or abandoned) corners and spaces of the organs, vessels and hollow cavities within oneself.

attachment tomorrow:(
no more late nights and waking up at unearthly hours
please find me after work.
bus rides and prolly dinner.

pray i wont have ot too:DDDD
not too much to ask of right?

ive been sleeping like really late, waking up really early.
i cant seem to get much sleep.
argh. and i still can wake up to jog in the early mornings. ohwowweee

my right hand is hurting again.
sheeeesh

random rantins cos im waitin for marikita to come online!!!!!!!

2009-09-12T10:48:00.002+08:00

A love story

He met her at a party. She was so outstanding, many guys chasing after her, but while he was so normal, nobody paid attention to him.
At the end of the party, he invited her to have coffee with him, she was surprised, but due to being polite, she promised.

They sat in a nice coffee shop. He was too nervous to say anything, she felt uncomfortable, she thought, please, let me go home...
Suddenly he asked the waiter: "would you please give me some salt?I'd like to put it in my coffee."
Everybody stared at him, how strange!
His face turned red, but, still, he put the salt into his coffee and drank it. She asked him curiously: Why did you do that?
He replied: "When I was a little boy, I lived near the sea, I liked playing in the sea, and I could feel the taste of the sea, just like the taste of the salty coffee.
Now every time I have the salty Coffee, I always think of my childhood, think of my hometown, I miss my hometown so much, I miss my parents who are still living there".
While saying that tears filled his eyes. She was deeply touched. That was his true feeling, from the bottom of his heart. A man who can tell out his homesickness, he must be a man who loves home, cares about home, has responsibility towards his home...

Then she started to speak. She spoke about her faraway hometown, her childhood, her family. They had a really nice talk, and it was also a beautiful beginning of their story.
They continued to date.
She found that he was actually a man who could meet all her demands;
he had tolerance, was kindhearted, warm, and careful.
He was such a good person but she would have missed him if not for his salty coffee..
Their story was just like every beautiful love story, the princess married to the prince, and they lived the happy life...

And, every time she made coffee for him, she would put some salt in the coffee, as she knew that's the way he liked it.

After 40 years, he passed away, he left her a letter which read: "My dearest, please forgive me, forgive my whole life lie.
This was the only lie I said to you---the salty coffee. Remember the first time we dated?
I was so nervous at that time, I had actually wanted some sugar, but I said salt. And it was hard for me to change so I just went ahead.
I never thought that could be the start of our communication! I have tried to tell you the truth many times in my life, but I was too afraid to do that, as I have promised never to lie to you about anything...

Now I'm dying, I am afraid of nothing, so I'd tell you the truth: I don't like the salty coffee, what a strange bad taste... But I have had the salty coffee for my whole life!

Since I knew you, I have never felt sorry for anything that I do for you.
Having you with me is my biggest happiness through my whole life.
If I can live for the second time, I would still want to know you and have you for my whole life, even though I have to drink the salty coffee again".
Her tears flowed endlessly.

One day, someone asked her: what's the taste of salty coffee? "It's sweet."
She replied.

"Love is not to forget but to forgive.
Not to see but to understand,
Not to hear but to listen.
Not to let go but to Hold on."

Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear.

where do i go from here

this week has been pretty much emotional.
with mark and jiabeng gone,
and now maretta.
i cant wait for them to update me:)

right now, im like kinda confused.
but id take one step at a time.

; When I'm losing my control, the city spins around
You're the only one who knows, the one who slows it down

2009-09-08T17:57:00.002+08:00

All of the moments you didn't notice
gone in the blink of an eye
And all of the feelings you can't help feeling
no matter how you try

my last week of hols.
peekchas of what ive been doing the past few weeks are all up on facebook!
and soon will be.

exams were killer.
kl trip was after that, an a couple was formed haha
amazing huh.

too bad we didnt get to spend more time with mark cos he wasn allowed to go for the trip.
and if your reading this, your letter really made me teared. okay not teared, i cried a river
haha. waiting for your emails:))
148 days left!

yesterday was sentosa. with joel marikita jingying douglas and gang.
it was great and it felt like im home once again!
haha yeah at the beach volleyballing.
i misssssss that feeling. the once a week to sentosa with wx and jes.
but yeah my arm swelled ONCE AGAIN. i dont miss that.

alrighty now that my lappy is back,
i can blog alot more!

2009-08-23T23:05:00.000+08:00

My life has changed. Drastically to be exact.
And now i'm just a girl who's finding her way around
and figuring out what else life can bring for her.
I just wish that now, life will change for the better.

Because if it gets any worse, i might just give up on myself altogether.

2009-08-20T23:24:00.002+08:00

trying to survive exams.
and everyone is falling ill!
goshhh its scary how everyone around me, in close contact is starting to get infected with the h1n1 virus or just suspected case.

okay i should stop watching victoria's secret fashion show.
omgggggggggg I FEEEEEEL SO SAD.

and stressed out:((((
i really cant do mts at all
keeeel me:(

Sometimes, someways, everyone needs to feel wanted and important,
That your treasured and indispensible.
After awhile you'll realise,
the small little things actually show alot.

; It's what the littlest things that count, that make your heart flutter. <3

2009-08-14T23:12:00.002+08:00

Coughing fits are back, they arrest me with lung spasms.
I'm so rusty at writing now that I am limited to short, short sentences like these,
I fear for my brain.

somehow during the assessments and exam period
your self-control just goes down all the way to the depths of hell.

so what i'm saying is, i'm gaining weight.
i'm so hungry nowadays. an hour after a snack i get hungry again, and then i eat again.
studying and the rush to complete work is getting to me.
when i feel sad, i pop a choc or two. no wonder im gaining weight.

i still feeeeel so sad right now.
but no one cares.
i cried just now,
no one cared.

I feel like i'm in a dark tunnel, alone.

2009-08-12T23:26:00.001+08:00

that seriously wasnt funny
=(

not one bit

2009-08-12T22:37:00.002+08:00

All the roads we have to walk are winding,
and all the lights that light the way are blinding

There are many things that I would like to say,
but I don't know

Maybe I'm too judgemental sometimes. I'm not sure if its because I see the same things in myself and am resentful because I thought I'd blanko-ed it out of sight/mind/body.

And maybe my priorities aren't always in the right order

These thingums, they make you feel bad about yourself so you'll attempt at all costs to rectify, change, eliminate, annihilate whatever it is that's letting the cloud seep in.
I think, I have a past.
I've moved on far enough, learnt enough, seen enough,
been through enough, thought about things enough, been hurt enough, been loved and have loved enough to have a past.

i cant wait for exams to be over.
its keeeeeeling me!
malaysia trip soon!!
at least smth i can look forward to
:(

; when there's no one to hold your hand

2009-08-07T22:24:00.002+08:00

It was us against the world.
Now it's just me.
Me and me alone.

overcoming my struggles bit by bit
when i said i'll be strong,
i'll really be
still i wanna say thanks so much for you being there for me
the next few coming years may be tough for me i know

anyway had my grandmother's bday dinner at sheraton.
i was really unhappy.
oh well.

not to mention i didnt complete my icl lab test:(

on a lighter note,

i feel like watching The Hangover!!
heard its awfully funny and
the perfect movie to unwind with.

and sorry, i decided to lock it for awhile
to keep nosey parkers out!

2009-08-05T22:53:00.002+08:00

Stop. Rewind. Replay.

where did i go wrong,
i lost a friend,
somewhere along in the bitterness.

All our flaws they make us human.
These are the flaws you wish you could do without,yet it's not a choice,
it's simply part of who you are.

thank you for always giving in to me:))

i didnt manage to have a productive study session today:(
will do so tmr i hope!

2009-08-04T22:18:00.003+08:00

i want the high score, so i gotta play more!

School is so dreadful, there's almost nothing to look forward to in this place. I just totally killed myself with the amount of stupid tests!

Was talking to a Friend last night and for all the ups and downs we've ever been through,
i guess what i miss most is having someone else to live for.
does that make sense?
As a person I've never been self-driven/self-motivated much.
I've never seen the point in living for yourself because it just seems so, empty,
and pointless and well, selfish.
It's so much easier to do so much more
just knowing that there's someone who's gonna be there no matter what
or something that's your driving force, your motivation.

I miss having that someone/thing.
At the same time i hate that dependence.
It's basically a duality which i can't seem to deal with.

Is Independence that important?

'Winning isn't everything - it's the only thing" -- really?
I know that in theory,
family, friends, studies, shopping, having fun etc are supposed to fill that void.
but whenever i stop to challenge the conventional "wisdom" of such a way of thinking
i just draw this huge blank.
I hate blanks. Big Gaping Holes of Nothingness.I
t sickens me to the core sometimes, how needy we all are.
How our lives are so mechanical, so purposefully purposeless.
How so many things are going wrong in this world today, which we ignore.
How questioning only ends up with more questions, less answers,
How people are dying and killing themselves.
How we're all just so destructive by nature and such fools.

I still cling on to conventional wisdom at the end of the day like a security blanket.
Don't we all?

I AM REALLY DAMN PROUD OF CHINSIAN!

WATCH THIS

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MWl9QNQ5Q1M

they got third:)))

THINGS TO NOTE!
dont eat unless hungry!!!

k mts report now
byebye

2009-08-02T20:57:00.002+08:00

everyday has been pretty boring
thanks to nonstop studying:((

saturday
J came over and suprised me with a PONY:DDDDDDDD
an addition to the family!! I LIKEY! THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU
we went down to school to study. got one of the rooms cos maretta and jiabeng was late!
WAH LAU SCANDALOUS!
BOTH OF THEM TSKTSK.

at night i went to town with J and we met SHUMINGGGG:DD
finally! his hair is much better. I LIKEY AGAIN
he was with nicholas junkai they all.
went home after awhile.

today, AGAIN studied in school.
with mark and maretta
and i played L4D on joel's mac!

went straight home today.
the ride in my aunt's convertible was aweeeeesome!
i want to own one.
once i pass my btt:(((((((

k will try to study soon!

2009-07-31T21:20:00.001+08:00

i dont know why but i had to cry
:(

2009-07-31T12:30:00.003+08:00

Picture really speaks a thousand words.

I love pictures.

Simply cause i don't really like talking and expressing how i feel towards things.

hahaahha okay i'm kidding.

I woke up at about 11 plus today.

finally a long good sleep.

I have to start studying again starting from tomorrow!

School is so taxing and it is most definitely taking its toll on everyone.

Ugh.

I realised things have changed.

I, for one, have changed.

I think i've become more of a person filled with angst, bitterness & self-centeredness:(

Although i'd like to convince myself i'm otherwise..

nevertheless, I'm constantly telling myself that this has got to stop,

but somehow, it just persist and

i end up upsetting and hurting people who really care

and are unceasingly trying to help.

For that I'm truly sorry, i really am!

I'm still trying my best to work things out though.

I'm really glad I have friends who are really patient

and willing to help me out in every difficulty i face (:

Things have been moving on so quickly i barely had the time to sit down and think.

Think, reflect on what's been going on, sorting myself out,

and asking myself why am i acting this way?

Yeah, totally beats me too. I need a one-to-one, heart-to-heart talk right now.

I think that's probably what i really need most right now, right this moment.

Even staying up when I do not really have anything to do really feels good right now.

Alone time.

I need something really comforting (:

Till next time, ciao.

; there's a fire inside of you,

that can't help but shine through.

2009-07-30T20:19:00.002+08:00

Anyway, I thought it was kinda selfish to only think from a girl's point of view, so I went to search for the guy version and found...
50 things girls don’t know about guys:

1. Guys hate sluts.

2. "Hey, are you busy?" or "Are you doing something?"
~ two phrases guys open with to stop from stammering on the phone.

3. Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about (awwwwwww!)

4. Before they call, guys try to plan out a little about what they're gonna say so there aren't awkward pauses, but once he's on the phone he forgets it all and makes it up as he goes.

5. Guys go crazy over a girl's smile. (Really?!?)

6. Guys will do anything just to get you to notice him.

7. Guys hate it when you talk about your ex-boyfriend or ex love-interest. Unless they're going for the let-her-complain-to-you-and-then-have-her-realize-how-wonderful-and-nice-you-are method. (Hahahaha!)

8. A guy who likes you wants to be the only guy you talk to.

9. Boyfriends need to be reassured often that they're still loved. ♥

10. Don't talk about your guy friends to your boyfriend.

11. Guys get jealous easily. (I love it when they’re jealous. HAHAH KENNETH KNOWS THAT)

12. Guys are more emotional than they'd like people to think.

13. Giving a guy a hanging message like "You know what?!..uh...nevermind.." would make him jump to a conclusion that is far from what you are thinking. And he'll assume he did something wrong and he'll obsess about it trying to figure it out.

14. Guys are good flatterers when courting but they usually stammer when they talk to a girl they really like. (So cute.)

15. Guys hate asking parents for money to buy girls presents. So they come up with ideas like saving their lunch money for a week. But it never works because guys are always hungry so they end up asking the parents for money anyway.

16. Girls are guys' weaknesses. (Seriously?!?)

17. Guys are very open about themselves.

18. It's good to test a guy first before you trust him. But don't let him wait too long.

19. Your best friend, whom your boyfriend seeks help from about his problems with you may end up being admired by your boyfriend.
(Oh noooo bad bad bad bad bad!)

20. If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen to him. You don't need to give advice.

21. A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you. ♥
(MARETTTA ARE YOU READING THIS?!)

22. Guys love you more than you love them if they are serious in your relationships. ♥

23. Guys will brag about anything.

24. Guys use words like hot or cute to describe girls. We rarely use beautiful. If a guy uses that, he likes you. ♥

25. Guys think WAY too much. One small thing a girl does, even if she doesn't notice it can make the guy think about it for hours, trying to figure out what it meant.
(I thought girls do this?)

26. Guys seek for advice from girls not other guys. Because most guys think alike, so if one guy's confused, then we're all confused.

27. Any guy could write out a rulebook or advice book for flirting, but no guy can write out a book about relationships.

28. Try to be as straightforward as possible.

29. A guy has to experience rejection, because if he's too-good-never-been-busted, never been in love and hurt, he won't be mature and grown up. ♥

30. If the guy does something stupid in front of the girl, he will think about it for the next couple days or until the next time he spends time with the girl.

31. No matter how much guys talk about asses and boobs, personality is key.
(I don’t believe in this!)

32. Guys learn from experience not from the romance books that girls read and take as their basis of experience.

33. Guys worry about the thin line between being compassionate and being whipped.

34. If a guy looks unusually calm and laid back, he's probably faking it and is spazzing inside.

35. When a guy says he is going crazy about the girl, he really is. Guys rarely say that. ♥

36. When a guy asks you to leave him alone, he's just actually saying, "Please come and listen to me."

37. Guys don't really have final decisions.

38. If a guy starts to talk seriously, listen to him. It doesn't happen that often, so when it does, you know something's up.

39. If your best guy friend seems to avoid you or is never around when you're with your boyfriend, he's probably jealous and likes you.

40. When a guy looks at you for longer than a second, he's definitely thinking something.

41. Guys like femininity not feebleness.

42. Guys don't like girls who punch harder than they do.

43. A guy has more problems than you can see with your naked eyes.

44. Don't be a snob. Guys can be intimidated and give up easily.

45. Everything in moderation. Put on makeup, wear perfume. Just not too much.

46. Guys talk about girls more than girls talk about guys.
(HAHAHAHA)

47. Guys hate rejection, but they hate being led on even more.

48. Guys really think that girls are strange and have unpredictable decisions and are MAD confusing but somehow are drawn even more to them.

49. A guy would give his left nut to be able to read a girl's mind for a day.

50. No guy can handle all his problems by his own. He's just too stubborn to admit it.

I don't know if this is accurate from a guy's point of view, but all I know is that the girls' one was total spot on!

2009-07-29T23:20:00.002+08:00

Give me something to look forward to,
so that i can love my days and look forward to things.
I cannot understand things,
i cannot comprehend anything.
I think i'm losing it.
I am losing what i have.

been rather busy with projects.
wisp pissed me off really bad today.
this is the first time, my group refuse to let me compile the slides and all the shit.
first time, my ppt had redundant and irrelevant slides.
okay enough of it. ED class is getting alot better:)
I LIKE!
i heard many other stories esp the guy who had the story like mine.
oh well.

life is full of shit!
just like how my skin is now. I FREAKING HATE IT.
:( i wanted to shut myself at home and isolate from the world.
but that is obviously imposible!

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot,
who calls you back when you hang up on him,
who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat,
or will stay awake just to watch you sleep...
wait for the boy who kisses your forehead,
who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats,
who holds your hand in front of his friends,
who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on.
and one who tells everyone about how lucky his is to have you....
The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'”

2009-07-26T00:38:00.003+08:00

Love is when you annoy each other thoroughly but at the end of the day, it's still him you want to spend the rest of your life with.

I really need a rewind button in my life right now.
I want to go back to better times, happy times.
Any idea how much i'm hating life now?
How much i'm dreading life.
Cause every morning i wake up feeling empty,
every night i go to sleep feeling like crap,
and i can't find a meaning to 'tomorrow'.

I've got no motivation, i'm just a zombie.
I'm barely hanging on, and i'm barely pulling through.

Who's listening to my cries anyway.

Theres this saying "if i went missing, would anyone notice i was gone?"
True.
till then.
id never really know.

anyway PROJECT NUTZ WAS OVER AND WEL DONE KGK!:))

we got in 7th! totally unexpected.
i could just die. but i continued to run like a mad woman with everyone's cheers.
even karina! kenenth's sis. and maretta and everyone else!

dinner at thai express after that!! OMGGGG
everyone died cos of the spicyness HAHAHAHHA
esp mark!

OMG YIWEN ARE YOU SEEING THIS?! YOU ARE MY BEST CHILLI MATE EVER!

maretta's two indo friends joined us.
and boy did me mark beng and joel had a long car journey HAHA

today wasted one whole day in sch doing icl
:((

initially mine matched!
but because i wanted it to be perrrrrrfect.
i edited it and the lvs was mismatched so arggggggh
so mark had to do it for me. and now WOOOOO:)))
went to bugis after that with mark wenyan joel beng maretta
had korean dinner+ chinese peanut balls in ginger soup!
we went home after that

k id update again
:)

2009-07-21T23:57:00.002+08:00

My sanity is at stake.
I read somewhere that smell and images can strongly trigger the memory
to resurface incidents or information buried deep in the crevasses of our minds
or subconsciousness. How right that is.
However, they didn't mention how strong a trigger it would be.
Neither did they mention how one is to reverse it.
Or whether it can be reversed.
You spend an eternity of painful effort blotting it all out,
and a single peekcha sends your mind reeling.

i feel like my whole world is upside down.
everything is just crumbling.
i dont know how long id last.

mummys been suspected of cancer.
dad and relatives have been really !@#$
its sad how they can side him hearin his nonsensical story.
the court case isnt over and my mum is tryin to appeal for a protection order for me and my siblings asap in case he comes knockin on our door again.
i live in fear everyday.
having my step sis living opp me is no joke.
makes matters a whole lot worse:(

im going crazy.
barking at everyone who does the slightest thing im not happy with.
i want to change. and be more patient. i dont want to flare up at anyone.
cos it definitely be disastrous.

i felt slightly better after running with mark. despite him almost killin me with steep slopes and stairs.
but it felt good.

okay time to sleep.
730am sch tmr

life is really taking a toll on me

; Just when i need everything to stay together, everything falls apart

2009-07-20T18:33:00.001+08:00

Weekends seem way too short,
they really just flash past, too fast for my own good.
Got about almost a month more to go with this routine, gonna stick it through,
with a little help from my friends on the weekends.
It's such a whirlwind of two-day periods that I never know what to properly write here when I actually do haha.

my mts breadboard is workin:))
bad day.
id update again soon!

2009-07-19T19:23:00.003+08:00

i cant wait for hols to come.

anyway, the great news is

yeah i got my attachment finalised and id be getting 500 a month!

same place as chin:))

but we cant bring in ipod camera phones or lappys

tsktsk.

aside from that, project nutz is on fri.

omg im scared i cant run fast:(

1.2km. i pray i dont pull the team down!
chunyang maretta jiabeng derrick joel me and mark.

in this order. 7 people in one team. the girls have to be the 2nd and 6th runner!

I HAVE TO BE FAST!

i want to catch the movie fightingggggg!!

and pleaseeeeeee make me work hard for exams!

because we keep running excuses through our mind.

but i'm just going to hold it in a little while

,just a little more before you fade away.

we finally ran out of excuses to keep holding on.

2009-07-15T23:55:00.002+08:00

yes i had a really good jog with beefboy yesterday!!
we ran the whole of botanics!! and i waited with him for his dad to fetch!
and today he smsed me, LETS PLAN A NIGHT JOG. haha i was like YES SURE THING!
omggggg 10km im coming!! :DDDDDDD

todays presentation worked out better than normal!
the whole drama of today was my dad.
omg i was really freaking outtttt:((
he kept knocking.
after we saw my dad's friend at marian jie's balcony.
he came and knock and knock. i was freaking out.
so was my mum and sis. and he covered the peephole at the door.
my mum called the police cos he refused to go.

he finally left after a long while.
and the police will come straight down if we ever call like that again. they said they would.
this is considered harassment. sigggggh.
he left a long letter.
which is kinda freaking me out still.
idk i just cant really describe how i feel right now other than FREAKED OUT.

i need that night jog:(
i need a break
i need someone i can cry to

2009-07-14T23:25:00.002+08:00

GOD, help me be a better person.
stop me from killing murdering commiting arson in their homes.

i need the utmost patience.
i want to cry. no more AD for is.
my wisp mates are not even saying a word.
i ask them what time they end cos they die die also want to meet up in person,
their reply is, end late. FCuK YOU REALLY.
like everyone else doesn.
they dont even give a godamit reply when i talk to them. DUMB MUTES.
THIRD WEEK OF PROJECT THEY DID NOTHING BUT READ THE PROJECT TASK FOR LIKE THE THOUSANDTH TIME

and
i only want weihao and jes to memorize the script. less than 3mins script.
it doesn have to be word for word. is that very hard?
ive already done the entire ppt and im not asking for more.

but thanks gawwwd weihao has three hours to prepare.
i only ask for jes to start memorizng it now and before 1pm.

another thing,
i found someone smoking in the room.

tell me what am i suppose to do.
someone please help me.
im totally breaking down.
:(

go ahead hate me
for telling nothing but the truth
and for putting your names down.
i just need to rant

2009-07-12T23:35:00.002+08:00

SPAM ALERT!

growing up is not easy.

i think it comes to different people at different stages in life,

and people grow up on their own terms in some sense and in their own time...

some faster than others, some slower.

i don't expect people to understand,

and i certainly don't expect people to be presumptuous.

i definitely do not expect people to think i owe them an explanation as to my whereabouts,

what i do or why i do those things.

i understand that i don't always do everything the best way,

but i am trying to make it the best i can.

isn't the journey different for everyone, after all?

nothings quite the same now

; cause the more you try, the harder id fight

2009-07-12T13:01:00.002+08:00

i just think i'm stupid.
i try so hard to believe in some people.
but time and time again,
they just prove me right.
right as to why i should have left it as it was before.
so stupid to have even tried,
don't even want to talk abt it.
i want so much for it to work,
but it just wouldnt.
so much that it makes me sad & disappoints me.

oh mannnn i really want a long break:(
school is keeeeeeeeling me!
icl wisp and every other module arggggh.
yesterday i went jogging with joel and maretta!
mark caiming and jiabeng came over to study icl.
went out for dinner with joel and maretta. couldnt catch a show:((

nothing much happened lately.
CANT WAIT FOR HARRY POTTER TO BE OUT!!

okay random rantings.
lifes so dull.
and its not getting any better with random stomach aches.
gggrrr

2009-07-09T23:36:00.002+08:00

Change is the only constant in life, isnt it?

Life is moving on for me, yet again.
New life, new friends, new everything.
we all love it --
the high life, the social escapes, the excitement.
But deep inside we're also afraid.
well, I am.

Of letting go and of holding on,
you inevitably lose some while you win some.
Though part of me basks in the warmth of a fresh beginning,
part of me dont wanna go,
i know that the situation that is to come
will be something we all deny being in.

very often people remark on the busy schedule (tactful or not),
and i honestly dont know how to respond,

i think back at the times where me and my friends used to have alot of time to chill after school, get ready for floorball trainings or tas and head to alumni for dinner with the whole gang, after which we'd take the bus home together.

i think back at the times where we'd head to my place after school to slack, dinner/study.
i think back at how we never never never ever failed to plan a celebration for each others' birthdays no matter how busy our lives were.

Stayovers, heart to heart talks, baking, cooking, basketball, floorball, soccer and random outings.
i think back at how we had our new years countdown together, how every chinese new year, we'd start from mr koh's place, to everyone else's.
the times we mahjong at derick's hse after school..
and how the WHOLE GROUP OF US would go and buy bubble tea after floorball(:

i remember how we started as strangers, complete ignorance. superficial HIs and BYEs.
then came gruelling trainings (stairs, intervals, aft sch runs) cos of mount k trainings,
after school studying, and our truly unforgettable chem practicals.
then came the craze which was after o's!
we went t sentosa on weekends and even got scolded going before o's,
had very enjoyable dinners,
stayed over and out alot,
even the bittersweet memories from all the relationships we had and the bitching and fighting over guys
Those were the days..There are so so so so many memories that i will never let go off.

then came the poly days with poly friends.
it was hard for me. with the whole chaotic family situation even up to now.
i feel really lost and i guess directionless. idk where the hell im going with where i am now.
home isnt even like a home anymore, since i cant rmb when. but it beats staying at sunset way for sure, where i dont even get to do my work or study.
none of my siblings are talking to me over the stupidest things..
im very much alone at home everyday. forever no lunch or dinner. and if their home,
i have to be the one to get it. cos their just too lazy.
i get scolded over the slightest things they do. where's the justice seriously.
i dont know how long i can last everyday at this rate, with shitty groupmates and assignments driving me up the wall, and i have to endure shit at home.
i really hope things go smoothly like real soon.

i lost friends, or rather they lost me.
but nonetheless i gained nice ones:)

we all have these vivid memories within us that we would keep for a lifetime,
even as we're building greater, newer ones.
so to everyone who's touched my life in one way or another,
Thank you.
i'll always, always treasure such worthwhile, magical moments.
& As we grow up and face inevitable challenges in life,
I hope we all take the time to live.

okay im soooo .. fill in the blanks.

but for now,
i need therapy,
badly!

; half alive half dead

2009-07-07T20:08:00.002+08:00

im very tired of everything.
but what can i do.
running at botanics is one of the best few things to do when your feeling down!
haha just like eating icecream but it makes you PHAT (maretta's way of pronouncing!)

the weekends was good!
sat morning me maretta and joel went jogging!
they went further than usual:))
joel had to do our mts project for us on his birthday!!! omggg i felt super guilty.
we went to dingtaifung for dinner! xiaoooolongbao!
and poor joel, he is like HALAL but whole day he ate pork zomggggg
we went bowling later on with mark jiabeng wenyan derrick
PROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ME HAHA
we went to chinatown i think! mark's grandfather's street!
dinner was greattttt! and i hope you liked your suprise!
HAHA oreocheesecake. and he had to eat double portions!
and the wallet we got for him:)))

initial plan was to go geylang for the durian feast but we ended up going to clark quay to drink.
the guys send me home after that.

as we grow up, we learn that even the one person
who wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.
you will have your heart broken,
probably more than once and it's harder every time.
you'll break hearts too,
so remember how it felt when yours was broken.
you'll fight with your best friend.
you'll blame a new love for things an old one did.
you'll cry because time is passing too fast,
and you'll eventually lose someone you love.
so take many many pictures, laugh plenty and love like you've never been hurt
because every sixty seconds you spend upset
is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

Take chances, take a lot of them.
Because honestly, no matter where you end up and with whom,
it always ends up just the way it should be.
Your mistakes make you who you are.
You learn and grow with each choice you make. Everything is worth it.
Say how you feel, always. Be you, and be okay with it.

It's time to be happy.

2009-07-04T08:23:00.000+08:00

HAHA STUPID STRIPPER CONVO!

end up someone didnt bring it!

k gonna jog in awhile. update at night or tmr

:))

2009-07-03T21:21:00.002+08:00

And get over it so fast, just like when you did to me.
BIG WIDE GRIN (:

I don't hate you, personally.
As a friend, I see from an outter dome, you changed so so much.
Just like, mmm how do I explain,
like how we spent the last few moments of 'the happiest times of my life'
together watching tv and cooking
but now I look at the same person that I fell in love with for months and realise,
hey this man looks so familiar but somehow he's not him.
It creeps me up that way and all I can say is I fell in love with the old and now you, things, situations and our lives are so different, it's so weird, haha.

Dear friends, I'm not being whiney and I'm not here to make you go,
"not again, the same old story".

Being honest is not a crime and I just like to type what I think, CAN?
So don't judge or make sarcastic remarks at me
because I will turn you into a prune and stuff you into the prune container and feed you to rats. Let's make our little planet Earth a tad bit nicer aite.
Not nice when things turn ugly.

Still, I'm glad we moved on, i moved on.

and im sorry to people who i pmsed the past week,
especially joel! HAHA soooooorrrrrry
and HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY!!
no more teeen alr=P

dont forget your birthday resolutions k:DDDDDDDD
and you gotta eat 20 of it tmr!

yesterday i was superrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrly angsty!
arggh. and i felt so sorry after that at night.
everyone was prolly upset with me cos i had the whole sinking feeling.
and what i did prolly jinxed the whole situation
:((( but its all over!

i feel so bad till now though

; ive built my guard up high

2009-07-02T18:45:00.002+08:00

Realism is the bane of idealism, and I can be the most idealistic fool.
I've grown to dislike realism, and have on many accounts,
tried to run away from it.
That makes me pretty hopeful; too hopeful, I'd say.
But like I've once mentioned, putting all your bets on hope
almost always turn them into wishes, and that is reality.

To those who stick around,
thanks, your brave.
Here's to a tough life and surprises.
To those who turn away, i dont blame you.
I am difficult afterall.
And its hard to see the attempts amidst all failures.
Till life is over, drink beer be merry dont sweat the small stuff.
(:

2009-06-30T21:44:00.002+08:00

My morale is getting so low that I don't know how else to help myself.
I try to be optimistic but I just can't block the nasty thoughts out.
I feel so defeated.

The future freaks me out.

my stomach hurt so bad today
it was like keeeeeeling me.
i left home with a quirky feeling.
hurt so badly when i was at the bus stop, so i had to sit
and very nice, i missed 77 cos i couldnt stand for awhile. quickly took 7 so i wont be late for fcs!
had to endure the pain in the bus.
rushed to sch and got weizhong to look after my stuff while i had to badly use the toilet.
when i came out, VERYYYY NICE! punima wasnt here and i was told class cancelled!
!@#$

dear weixiang had to be so argggghh this morning.
he sent me this "did you fail?"
NICEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. tsk

headed to practical and arggggh i quickly did the lab work and rested.
went for early lunch and i felt like pukinggg maretta was nice enough to carry my laptop for me for awhile.
mts lecture was interrupted by the fire alarm.
for a good 45mins! lol

quickly went home. slept and jogged.
i feeeeeeel damnnn horrid. but oh well.

IS day tmr. very nice.
nothing done. and a horrible 3hr break.

what a nice week to start for this sem!
tsk

2009-06-28T00:55:00.002+08:00

i have been genuinely happy these past days,
soaking myself in the company of great friends.
and hanging out almost every single day.
and also the comfort of sleeping in the morning, and waking up only to have lunch.. hah.
and worrying cos i keep waking up late and having lesser time to jog away the fats.
wonder when will i get to enjoy such privileges in future.

drifting away, we are so close, yet never near enough to where we want to be.
i just need a green sign that says "Go",
and reassurance that time's not just ticking away
and every second is more than ever worth it.

i cant just wake up to the sun, without a plan and decision.

yesterday,
finally finished the video!!:))))))))))))
me maretta and jiabeng went down to ps first,
joel jiale and wenyan joined us for dinner
I FOUND ONE MORE PONY<3333333
BUT NO BOX:(
we went to watch transformers. home-d aft that cos it was quite late

today mark cooked!! :))
not bad. haha risotttttti!
try and yanling joined us.
then they left.
mark me joel had nydc omggggggg sinful!
mushrrrrrooom madnessss, cookie monster m mudpie and grandma gone nuts mudpie..
and tried to search for my pony! omg i caught the movieeeee btw. after many many years!
L4DDDDDDD! heh. i proooooo HAHAHAHA
stupid choy! beat me in headshots.

went home abt 11plus 12?

tonights the last night:(
and i keep feelin damnn shitty.
thats why i end up ranting in sucha mudane way.

k im off.

; For every piece of me that wants you, another piece backs away

2009-06-25T23:50:00.000+08:00

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot,
who calls you back when you hang up on him,
who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat,
or will stay awake just to watch you sleep...

wait for the boy who kisses your forehead,
who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats,
who holds your hand in front of his friends,
who thinks you' re just as pretty without makeup on.
One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares
and how lucky he is to have YOU...
The one who turns to his friends and says,
thats her..

; You mean well, but you make this hard on me

2009-06-24T21:32:00.002+08:00

The greatest irony of love:
Loving the right person at the wrong time,
having the wrong person when the time is right
and finding out you love someone right after that person walks out of your life.

And sometimes, you think you're already over a person,
but when you see them smile at you,
you'll suddenly realize that you're just pretending to be over them
just to ease the pain of knowing that they will never be yours again.

For some, they think that letting go is one way of expressing how much they love that person.
In my opinion, some are afraid to see the one they love being held by someone else.

Most relationships tend to fail not because the absence of love.
Love is always present.
It's just that one was being loved too much and the other was being loved too little.

As we all know that the heart is the center of the body but it beats on the left.
Maybe that's the reason why the heart is not always right.
Most often we fall in love with the person we think we love
but to only discover that for them we are just for passing time,
while the one who truly loves us remains
either a friend or a stranger..

This is demoralising.

i seriously was so pissed today.
i waited like hours. no returned calls or smses.
i hope you are damn fucking happy with your life.
this isnt the first time, i seriously want to pull your hair out.
you know who you are. and im sure almost everyone does
cos i went complaining. like arggggggh

!@#$

2009-06-23T13:29:00.000+08:00

Every storm brings with it hope,
that somehow by morning everything will be made clean again
and even the most troubling stains will have disapeared;
like the doubts over his innocence; or the consequence of his mistake;
like the scars of his betrayal; or the memory of his kiss.
So we wait for the storm to pass, hoping for the best;
even though we know in our hearts, some stains are so indelible,
nothing can wash them away....
-Desperate Housewives

2009-06-21T23:46:00.002+08:00

I asked God a couple of times,
in tears of rage,
why the people I love always hurt me most.

I asked God many times,
why my life is constantly fucked up.

They say be wild, be rebellious, be homosexual, but whatever you do,
never forsake your belief in God. I haven't.
I don't know an answer for sure, but I know now that the naked, raw truths
only bear themselves under the self-reflectory light of every fall..
The truth after every fall is that I can feel again.
I can feel you in my bones again, and I can ride my bike with no handlebars.
Someday, I will make you very proud.

Very, very proud.

i went for lunch at sheraton hotel
aweeeeseome and i quickly left before dessert cos i was alr feeling all boomerish
met beeeefboy at far east and accompanied him to eat at subways first.
met jiajun and we cabbed down to joel's house to play tennnis!
it was quite fun:)
me and jiale vs mark and joel hahaha
played abit of l4d!
went for dinner and me jiale and joel waited for frigging 1 and a half hour or three dishes.

i went home after like hours later.
and i had a very bad train ride.

sheeesh.
imy

***
Such a fool to have believed,
to have contemplated
to have even give it a thought.

2009-06-20T01:21:00.002+08:00

I was packing my room.
I found some pieces of paper.
I found these letters.
I found alot of memories and happy times,
childish times and naive times.
And all that's left of it is written on thoses pieces of paper.
But I wouldn't give anything to take any part of it back.

I wasted my entire day, waiting for yiwen and try to call or text me.
so i ended up going to mark's place to meet joel ben maretta and of cos mark
we went to fetch bryan from sch. went to arab st to eat. then geylang, we toured around in the car.
followed by dempseys but it was packed and then newton circus for supper.
and they dropped me home.

I've always believed i'm a tough nut to crack,
but this time,
its all so crushed.

Really

2009-06-18T23:25:00.002+08:00

okay say hi to the boomer in making.
sheeesh day after day,
from coffee club thanks to jiabeng's treat,
to dinner at jumbo seafood restaurant with sharks fin chilli crab and all with uncle andy try and mama and dinner at sushi tei today!
yummmmmm but :(((((

im dying.
seriously dying.
tried to move on, ended up gettin stuck.
and now, im directionless.

You’ve always found a way to cheer me up even when I’m as down as can be.
You replaced my tears with laughs and smiles.
You have no idea what that means to me.

i fiddled with the idea of leaning into you, of reaching out for you, of holding you.
but my conscience took control,
i knew in that instance of power that i was going to have to live with many what-ifs
i felt every emotion coursing through you in that moment.
the pain. the love. the regret.
immediately seized by fear, i looked away,
for i knew what thoughts were running through both our minds
- this was going to be the last time.
my mind began to go so blur, almost at once.
i didnt know what i was thinking, i knew i had to walk away.

the way it ended was too similar.
the signs were all the same.
why hadn't i read them before?
why was it foolish pride once again that brought this white-wash of pain that hurts right up to my eyes
and sears right across my heart.
the nights are always the worst.
i sit alone, and i cry myself empty.
because i know i deserve this pain,
i deserve this - to never be able to keep love by my side.

the mornings are always better, with a little ounce of hope.

but nonetheless, im moving on.
i sweared to someone i would.
and id try

:)

2009-06-16T22:48:00.002+08:00

today is really not my day
but everything's gonna be alright,

For me, there's a thin line which exists between friends and well,
strangers in the making.
A thin, somewhat, intangible? line.
But a line nonetheless.

Today, i was reminded once again of the potential in everyone of us to be a psycho in our own ways.

Its just a matter of time and circumstances.
You're only human, and that's your saving grace.
I really miss life with certain people.

today i had a good time out with mark and jiabeng
and thanks for the treat at coffeeclub:)
we went around finding their winter wear. and had an adventure thanks to mark!
went to meet nick and junxian after that.
and went to meet wx.

i feelt effing shitty
i dont know why either. thanks for listening.

Honestly, i dont know where all this is heading towards.

but well, something to keep in mind,
"having a dream can be too much to focus on, so take one step at a time, and pick up goals on the way. Make sure you give your all to achieve it. If you fail, you know you did your best. If you know you could've done better, scold yourself then move on to a new goal"

:)

2009-06-16T11:01:00.002+08:00

Just because. . . .
I'm quiet, doesn't mean I don't have a lot to say.
I'm sarcastic, doesn't mean I don't take it seriously.
I forgive, doesn't mean I forget.
I'm stubborn, doesn't mean I'm not easy-going.
I don't show my feelings, doesn't mean I don't have any.
I'm not like you, doesn't mean I'm weird.
I don't say the three words, doesn't mean I don't.

I OFFICIALLY FINISHED MY PAPERS ON FRIDAY! WOOOOOOOOOOTS.

friday
-woke up at frigging 6am
-end up facebooking all the way till 1am
-11am i found out from zhaopei i was supposed to study chapt4
-chionged to school and chin taught me for a good 1 and a half hrs. <3333333 thank you so much!
-left exam room at 5pm!
-started going crazy screaming and jumping around like som retard, waiting for the rest to come out
-ben dropped me and maretta at the bus stop
-met joel and headed to my place
-went for a jog
-met mark and gang at my place. everyone had to bathe.
-left for dinner only at 9pm haha
-slacked talked had fun and went home early

saturday
had a 1hr journey in 36 to changi with nicholas shan yiwen derick!
-went to the airport to send kenneth off
-bitched about some fcuktard cos he was being so loser-ish
-derick cut someone out of the photo which was freakin hilarious! :)))))
-say byebye and keeeeel kenneth for not giving me the lady gaga tickets!
-pearlyn and daniel was there too!
-went to town after that to l4d

sunday
- did my essay throughout the night till 430am and continued at 8am
-went to mark's place at abt 4.
- went to botanics with joel mark ben in a car even though it was just a 5min walk
-maretta joined us for dinner at monkeys!! not bad a place
-me & mark frolickedddd! :)
-dropped everyone off and had a 1hr of car journey with mark and ben
-home-d

monday
-woke up at 12?
-nicholas and yanling came to slack and help edit weihao's essay then yanling left
-left my hse with nick at abt 6. met chang joelchoy yanling at cine
-had pastamania and then l4d at paradiz
-home

okay thats it! going back to penang next weeeeeeeek!
cant wait. zanne told me the places to go and all. i wish you were back there tooooo:(

k time to bathe! meeting mark and jiabeng soon

2009-06-14T11:37:00.002+08:00

last night on my way home,
I had my ipod on all the way,
and almost every song had some semblance of you.
Sometimes words just don't suffice
to express what I really feel when I say I miss you.

and hahaha i miss kenneth too!
but i guess i was used to seeing him off the airport now!
you had better not come back in a coffin like what dickie mentioned!

a bitch fight against the masscommers at the airport.
i refused to help them take a photograph cos of what some eeeediot said!
dickie was FUNNNNEH he helped them take one, a horrid one HAHAH
cut him out of the peekcha. LUB CHU VERY MUCHIE haha
this is what happens when you put a bunch of kent ridgeans together <3333

okay i have to write abit bimbotically at this post cos cos cos
im doing this essay on capital punishment, regarding ethical dilemmas.
too intellectual for me to be writing on eh!

k i better continue with it!
off to mark's with ben and joel laterrrrrrrrrrrrr

july 8 july 8
i need cash badly:(

with you guys being my confidante, support & love (:
hmm what am i going to do without all of you?

2009-06-11T22:05:00.001+08:00

Too many times in life, you just don't get what you want.
And rejection equals to dejection.
Very soon, you'll start questioning the value of working hard,
of working towards your goal,
and whether results will ever prove you right.
Who ever said only the geeks do well in life,
but nobody also dare says the geeks would ever do badly.
Cause its proven, its the rule and there is merely any exception.
Even the geeks get the girls.
All my life I'd worked hard, not getting distracted by the trivals,
and always keeping it in mind.
Yet time after time, things just don't go the way I want it to be.
Call me unlucky, or born with worse of foresight to judge.
Oh right, more like both of it.
I can't really visualize the effects of goals setting any more.
And some times, you just can't help but ask yourself,
why work so hard just to produce shit as aftermath.

two down. running the last lap left.
i wont think about what i havent done or what i did wrong

no i wont give up,
no i wont break down
sooner than it seems life turns around
and i will be strong
even if it all goes wrong
and im standing in the light
i still believe

someones watching over meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
:)

still in my top list of favourite songs!

k hols here i come soon!

2009-06-09T19:01:00.003+08:00

And it felt complicated in a way that all breakups feel complicated when you're embroiled in them.
While in cruel actuality, most things are quite simple.
And it goes something like this :
one person falls in love - or simply realizes he was never really in love in the first place,
wishing he could take back those words, that promise from the heart.
Looking back, I can see that that was likely the case with him and me - the simplest explanation is often the right one, my mother used to tell me.
But at the same time, I didn't believe that could be the case.

Instead, I hoped for what all girls hope for in my situation that he'd change his mind,
come to his senses, realize what he had in me, discover that I couldn't be replaced.
I kept thinking, even saying aloud to my sister,
''Nobody will love him like I love him.''
which I now realize is far from a selling point to a man. To anyone.

I think the reason why I actually found it funny was because, I was almost like that 2 years ago. Scrap that, I was like that 5 years ago.
You know, the intensity of those raw aching emotions during post break up.
Like how you would desperately cling onto the notion that this is just temporary,
like of a trial separation.
You would be like the cliche of all broken hearted women,
torturing yourself looking at pictures of you both and listen to sad bitter songs
then suddenly burst into random bouts of tears.
But whatever the case is, nothing is ever complicated trust me.

They are all simple, direct and unassuming,
it's your feelings that makes them complicated.
I've learnt that when you let a bird free,
then you gotta let it soar because,
no birds would fly back to captivity.

At least birds in the right state of mind.

and that goes back to how my family is right now.
now that ive flown out of that captivity, i dont want to go back home.
back to sunset way, where my life was like hell.
no one understands.
or rather no one can.
esp those who werent there to witness it for themselves.
kenneth jace weixiang jestyn. my four main pillars of strength during those horrible times.

so i've decided, from today(or rather tomorrow since its alr the end of the day) onwards,
i'm just gonna be happy for who i am and what i am and being where i am.
I'm gonna enjoy every minute of the day,
put in my best effort in whatever i'm tasked with and start thinking positively.
I used to care quite a bit about the perceptions that others have about me,
but now honestly i don't really care as much anymore.

cos i feel constantly motivated to improve myself in every way now.
and i cant wait for attachment. at least i know id have money coming into my bank acc.
yeah studies come first.

:)

Some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end.
Life is about not knowing, having to change,
taking the moment and making the best of it,
without knowing what’s going to happen next.
-Gilda Radner

2009-06-08T12:27:00.002+08:00

I'm your biggest fan,
I'll follow you until you love me.
-Lady Gaga

Amazing how life turns out the way that it does
We end up hurting the worst, the only ones we really love

Rotating from the shop to home,
big bang with heavy hearts,
swept fringe drenched with tears.
The week has took a toll on me,
and we are murderers of our own emotions.
Kill time to breathe, breathe to kill time.
Girls in rehab.. finally had the sun rays hit our backs.

Suck it in Nic, suck it in and you'll live life, not.

These days, i spend my time looking in the mirror for my eyes, which the eyebags have graciously covered.
Velly kindzxzxzxzxz.

Finally into last week of school before two weeks break.
Can't believe a quarter of the academic year just whooshed past me with a snap of a finger! Alright, I admit it wasn't exactly a snap of a finger
cause I practically dreaded everyday of school especially the first few weeks.
It was tiring, stressful, disappointing, frustrating, but nonetheless
i had cool people enduring this shit with me.

okay my hair is almost dry. im gonna doze off anytime soon
cos i stayed over at beefboy's place. barely slept.
productive and fun!
:)

2009-06-06T01:13:00.002+08:00

Today it occurred to me that i have no clear direction in life.
All i know is that,
i want to retire in a cottage by the sea.
Without any means of keeping in touch with people outside of my island except for handwritten letters and photographs.And well, travel.
Learn about different people with different cultures
who speak different languages and discovering what we have in common.
Maybe pick up a life lesson or two.

HAHA I JUST L4D-ED FOR THE WEEK
ownnnnnnnnnnnnned those ahbengs
i was like roooooollling my eyes half the time.
met tristian there again!

dinner was great with derrick louisure jace kenneth
THOSE WHO DIDNT GO YOU MISSED OUT!

pearlyn came to join for l4d aft dick and lulu left.
yeah their gonna get married!

and im talkin to shuming now
hahahaha he is damn bloody funny.
he hopes i get the bestest bf in the world HAHA i hope.
cos i met nothing but loserssssssssssssssssssssss
yeah they suck lollipops!

okay and im epic high but sleeeepy how contradictory
im talking in circles
speaking of which, i was sleeping in the library when i was suppose to revise and jace was playing some basketball game GOSH

It's hard not to feel Jaded,
but don't give it.

Much love.

2009-05-28T23:35:00.002+08:00

in times of desperation
is when i know where my friends are
so, thanks a lot for being there for me today
even though we hardly talked,
all your calls, messages and everything
showed how much you guys care.
though we hardly hang out
though we hardly talk
though i sound like a bitch to jump to judge you when we hardly catch up

hearing you, seeing you, and knowing your with someone else already made me feeeeeeel weird. but well, i knew this day would come and its really time for me to move on.
We are only halfway through the year and life has already fucked me up in many ways.
(Inserts face of disbelief)
However through all this we realise that the best part of letting go is learning that we can stand on our own two feet again.
We can then, smile among the tears and
know that we did not walk away any less triumphant than before..
It only comes to light that you've completely let your guard down for someone
when you realise that the platter has narrowed
and that there can only be room for one person.

After all, we have to level up to our own games
cos we have too much self-worth to want to share.

Thank you for the memories.

im glad im starting to learn how to take things in my stride.
for now, i have no time for anything else but work.

what a no lifer right!

okay im dozing off real soooooon

Since you're the only one who knows what it's like to be me
Someone to face the day with
Make it through all the best with
Someone who always laughs at
Even when I'm at my worst,
I'm best with you

2009-05-25T00:22:00.002+08:00

I finally went for my run today! (:
and it felt good.
i should do it more often.
i like the feel of the cool breeze on my face,
and the sound of the occasional car rushing by,
and my heartbeat pounding in my head,
drowning out my thoughts.

school has been killing me
draining out whatever energy i had!
no matter how strong i put up front, i still broke down on fri.
all the stress of pulling my group mates down.
i felt like i disappointed them, despite chin's and mark's "neverminds" and "its okay"
i felt like a burden. sheeesh

and today, i very much wanted to tell my mum i want to drop out of school
:(

but she isnt around.

k time to sleep!
if not i cant wake up for sure.
id update maybe over the weekends if theres time!

2009-05-20T00:08:00.003+08:00

I feel empty.
I think it's PMS kicking in.

You know, life in a simple and metaphoric manner is like a walk along the park.
Sometimes the roads are just straight and never-ending,
where there is no other alternate paths.
So we just walk through them, accept whatever obstacles that may come in our path,
deal with them, and move on.
And then, there will always come a point in time where you reach the crossroads and are forced to choose a path to continue on the walk.
A wise decision, sometimes a rash one,
and poof, you're back to the straight roads.
Whichever the path, we are only allowed to see so much further of the future.
I hate life at the crossroads, and I think that's how my life is like right now.

There's so many changes to adapt to, so many different paths and new obstacles ahead.
I hate to deal with parting.
I hate the fact that I may no longer get to enjoy the regular company of a good friend who has been through much shit and fun with you.
I realise I have taken the existence of some people in singapore for granted \and we haven't been spending enough time together as often as we should. :(
We should be hanging out as much as possible,
maybe even until we get sick of each other's faces.

the whole vicious cycle since the sem started.
No staying out late on weekdays, daily morning headaches, daily morning claustrophobic moments in the bus HAHA, lousier social life,
no feeling of fulfilment and accomplishment which could've been derived from making a discovery or learning a new skill or sport, no fun at all.

I feel deprived.
At least I learnt something from school. thanks to mark and chinsian's teachings cos im so lost in class!

I realise how we young people always complain about how life is bad and stuff.
But looking back, I think we are a little all too comfortable, a little too complacent.
We live not needing to worry about the utilities bills, the mounting tax debts, petrol and parking fees, housing maintanence,
and whether there are enough savings for the whole family,
for the future, and for rainy days.

And like, I realise I am going to have to worry about such stuff in merely a few year's time...
An entry filled with negative thoughts.
I know I can put everything in a more positive way but tonight I just feel like ranting.

So pardon me.

2009-05-18T21:10:00.002+08:00

When life gets unbearable and tangles you up into a big fat knot,
it's nice to know that there are friends who still care for you and will be there for you.
I feel really blessed and hope I won't ever be a loner haha.

thanks guys:)
through all the shit ive been through with my dad
who is a moneyface twerp! and doesnt care a hoot about his kids.
haha you guys had to endure all the whining and ranting!

Growing up is a strange thing, really.
It sneaks up on you, grab your ankles, and pull you downwards.
This happens when we are supposed to grow UP.
and i think ive grown up:)

school has been pretty demanding nowadays! that i had to forgo hard rock cafe dinner:(
everyday reports projects and tutorials to get ready.
i just cant wait for hols to comeeeee! i need a break!
weekends is one of the only things i look forward to
which i get to spend time with friendsssssssssssss, yeah happy pills!
appetite is coming back slowly and speaking of which,
me and chin tried this new drink introduced by beefboy! haha markkkk
errrrr watermelon + carrot + yalkut haha

Because those memories faded.
They ebb away, dwindle, die out, decline, deminish, wane.
They disappear when you least expect it.
I should know, because I tried so hard to hold on to them,
relieving them everytime I have the opportunity to.
But they still went in the end, they still did.
Chase I did, but they were not to be found.
Because so much of me was built on memories, on you,
now that they are going, I feel so lost and confused.
At times I feel happy.
At times I think I look good.
At times I see a bright future.
At times I'm looking forward to the future.
But most of the time, I wonder who the hell I'm turning into,
for traces of the old me dwindles by the day.
It wasn't meant to feel good. just perpetually depressing.

But now I do feel good. I feel... strangely empowered, its absurd.
I feel different.
I look different.
I think I've become different, most of the time

:)

2009-05-16T00:10:00.002+08:00

i've been watching shows about people dying,
hearing things regarding death.
at the same time, hope for survival and people struggling to survive,
and managed to.
why am i wasting my life when i can live my life comfortably
and just focus on studying hard everyday?

maybe that's why i'm human.

All of a sudden, I feel like a true hypocrite. I've always declared my hatred for bimbos with no idea who on earth is Obama or if the world is facing a economic recession,
but it all seemed like I am no different from any one of them. haha serious!
i feeeeel utterly dumb! in class especially!
and then today's dinner with khalisah and joey confirmed it all.
and it showed us, how many blondes there are!
goshhhh but i had fun with them.
:)))

esp with the whole dinner thing, where i think we could get abs just by laughing.
from the time we met till end of dinner!

anyway i went jogging this morning!
alot slower cos i guess i could run at my own pace. sheeeeesh bad!!
and then i quickly went down to sch but shan didnt join in the end.
met up with nick and gang. then went for lab!
and hahaha all my famous amos goneeeeeeeee.
how to lose weight like that:(

i know im freakin fat alr.
and i wont let you down. damn right i wont.
id have the hottest bod alive hahaha i wish!

yeah i still miss your presence, just not as much anymore!
which is an improvement?!?! :D

k anyway, went to pla l4d with kha and joey after dinner!
i met tristian!! haha

k time to batheeeeeeee tmr its picnic at botanics and then errr id ont know what!
HAHA

cause in life, you'll realise,
that you're meant for greater things.

2009-05-14T23:15:00.002+08:00

So i realised i have been eating massively these few days compared to the week before
and then when it comes to one of those conversations of how fat i am,
i start to stop and get back to the diets.

But it's alarming how i can go gobbling so much food at times,
no i am not anorexic nor bulimic please thank you.

On another note, my mind has been a mish mash of thoughts & i haven't been the happiest lately.
Decisions has to be made, but it all comes in a package along with consequences that miserably,
i do not possess the courage to face up to.
It's not fair that life is always unfair, and when you always get stuck in a rut & end up being a bitch.
k i should be turning in prettty soon!

jogging tmr at about 850am or so.
have to wait and see if mark can leave class early!
if not i gotta jog alone cos he has makeup!

the past few days have been hellllll!
but its all over! stayed back with jiabeng maretta and people

met yiwen today like finalllllly:DDDDD

okay id upload another time
SLEEEEEEP!

2009-05-10T13:07:00.002+08:00

If I could do a tradeoff for the amount of time I facebook and bloghop
with reading up on current affairs and keeping myself updated on the world's happenings,
I figured I would have been a scholar by now?

anyway the whole week has been filled with reports to finish,
projects to do, and jogging sessions with mark!
and both our birthday celebrations:)

tuesday,
-dinner with mark nick jiabeng
-followed by mark's place!

wed,
-outing with pearlyn

thurs,
-jogging with mark after schooool!

fri,
-mark's birthday!
-went down to sch at one with his purple balloon which he had to parade around sch with it:D
-he couldnt meet me after sch cos of ambassador stuff.
-went for sammi's curry at dempseys with mama, ahfan mama and some datok
-went to red dot for drinks
-met nick and mark at about 930pm for more drinks at the wine house
-had cheese platter and fine wine from aussie
-played stupid games and chat
-went over to b & j
-cabbed home with them:)

sat,
-met mark at 920am to jog
-went home to get ready and headed to sunset way to return the dvd player to my dad
-went over to mark's place
-sat in mark's car with sarah mark jiale and i dont know whats his name driven by jiabeng!
-went to coronation plaza and dempseys! b&j
-went back to coronation plaza and i accompanied mark to get flowers for his mama
-played fifffffaaaaaa! HAHA
-bbq partyyyyyae followed by cake smashing frenzy
-slacked, chilled, drank
-joel entertained me with the guitar! haha
-mark's dad sent me back! cos the rest ps me

k end. now time to do work!
:)

2009-05-06T23:55:00.001+08:00

19 yrs on this planet..
I can't believe I've already turned 19.
Goodbye to my teenage years next year.
The big Two Zero.
After 21, I don't think I'd care so much about birthdays.
Hahaha not much to celebrate- getting old and all.
Thanks to everyone who wished me and made and tried to make my birthday really special!! (:

the celebrations have been spread out up till today and maybe sunday hahaha wtf.
More reminders what an old woman I am, geez! Hahaha ?
Roar, horrible.

okay ive been in sucha bad mood lately,
i wont be blogging for the time being. check out peekchas on facebooks for updates!

2009-05-02T23:44:00.002+08:00

Tonight,
some memories just came running back
Of many events, many people...
It seems that I'd like to go back, and walk through them once more.

It is also weird, that why time that passes can never be brought back?
That the world and our lives still move on despite what had happened in the last minute.
All seems possible... yet there is not the slightest possiblity
that we can rewind and do it all over again.
That's why, there is this one word:
regret.

It is us, that arouse this word.

I have learnt,
When I think of this, whenever I am about to make a decision,
whenever I am about to do something,
I ask myself, will what I do cause me to regret 10 years later when I look back?
It is not easy to answer this, despite we know of this fact.
Why? I do not know.
Ask ourselves.
Are our lives all written and predestined?
I look back, and I see my growth.
From adolensce, to a child, to a teenager and now in my last year of it.
There are many things that I've done that I wished I did not.
Tests and trials that I've went through, I wished I could have fared better.
But if I had not made all these mistakes, and rebelliously tread the paths that were not meant for me, fell hard on the ground, I wouldn't have been who I am today.
It is so strange.
Yet a miracle.

To all who walked into my life, the many whom have played important parts in my life and my growth.
Whether those who have left, or still with me,
I know, all wouldn't have been the same without each and every single one of you.
I treasure all of the memories forged, good or bad,
because I know they will always be a part of me.

Now, this present moment is what that matters, that will determine all our tomorrows...
I will walk on and look forward, to all that lies ahead for me. Of recent I have been thinking alot. So here's it, one of them.

the other that has totally got me thinking was about what life is like now.
what kept me sane and going was the few people who even bothered to listen to me ramble about the shit hole which not many people can understand what im going through,
mainly sm, and nicholas and kenneth once in awhile.
i really want yiwen backkk. i need a bear hug.
i fucking hate my life now.
and i feel like slapping people like ben when they talk about how shitty life is and they whine over stupid stuff which isnt like shit. how about exchangin lives with me for a while just to see how stressful it can be. its not doing any good to my eczema which is starting to act up all over again even on my legs.

i dont care how jogging is gonna aggravate the situation anymore. i just need a run.
for the first time in my etnire life, retail therapy with yanling didnt even work.

she brought me to ding tai fung to eat. the first time was with bryan and wenyan.
and no longer did i have the binge eating diet.
maybe just not today.
cos i cried like it was flooding. okay exaggerating but the disappointment was just so bad
i was looking for a few friends i thought we were like bffs. no reply. thanks alot
i tried to be the best friend any of you can have. supporting and protecting you guys all the way.
if you want things to be like that, i have nothing to say alr.

and dont give me such replies about me not replyin you when you dodnt even replyme yourself

freaking bad year.
i have to wait for the next year and pray itd be alot better.

i told my mum dont bother having any celebration this year. the mood isnt even here.
and i wanted her to save up instead. my present can come later:)

i cried myself seeing her breakdown.
i was at sucha lost. i didnt know how to even comfort her.
at the same time, so disappointed with nicholas.

i dont understand how some people can just be so retardedly stupid.
and isit really that good?
yanling told me to try ice.

maybe it is really as destressing as she proclaimed it to be.
anyway i finally bought my white slippers cos someone broke it.
now i have to wait even longer to get my black and gold one.
i wont use anyone to get that for me. so fret not.

i met mark in town! and weykeen too.
and wah lau jlo was at town too.
i went home early today. no mood to stay out.

yesterday i was really grateful to the guys
i didnt know ken jace would be there. but nonetheless thanks.
played l4d with junkai guohua nick shuming jace
watched taken with the guys.

okay im dozing off. i barely had sleep again.

2009-04-30T19:09:00.003+08:00

Please lemme lose some weight, or at least,
look like I lost some weight!
Is this very typical.
You know those skinny/not-fat-at-all girls to blog about losing weight and complain about their fat thighs/arms blah.
But whatever, I know I'm not those girls c
os I have flesh around my EVERYWHERE and it's quite a lot! A HELL LOT!

Wait, can I lose weight just by eating fish?

im like in no mood of anything right now, other than jogging and maybe l4d.
im seriously sick of all these shit.
all i have now are the friends around me to support me
and look what happened.
2 phone calls werent picked up.
and thousand and one excuses i get from other friends.
" i suddenly have a whole day medical checkup so i cant meet you" excuse
like what? you are having menopause now, your not even in your 40s.
or like " sorry i have to be with my parents THE WHOLE DAY"
wow again, suddenly you are so fucking filial.

or just when everything comes crashing,
i have to be the good friend and listen to all their stupid nonsense
which i feel is so minor.
ben had to irritate the shit out of me today with his fucking gf problems.

fuck this shit really.
i just have to go through this alone now.

i was listening to when you believe,
after so long not listening to it and it spoke to me.
for the first time.

They don't always happen when you ask
And it's easy to give in to your fears
But when you're blinded by your pain
Can't see your way straight throught the rain
A small but still resilient voice
Says hope is very near

There can be miracles, When you believe
Though hope is frail, It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
somehow you will
You will when you believe

On a lighter note...
My friend sent me a link to an article published by Oprah...
Don't click if ur sensitive about this subject but i just think the article was rather insightful.

Why Women Are Leaving Men For Other Women

http://edition.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/04/23/o.women.leave.menfor.women/yup.

and MARK! you are soooooo dead on monday! haha

2009-04-29T23:20:00.003+08:00

I DON'T LIKE MAI XIAOFEN. She's such a lousy person, she's not pretty, I don't like her. I DON'T LIKE CHEN XINGYI. She's such a scheming person, she's okay looking, but I still don't like her.

So much for intellectual talk and TV drama shows.

On a side note, I DON'T LIKE MONEY.
It is a necessity but it brings short term happiness and misery.
It destroys friendships.
Life.

im realllllllllllllllllly beyond sad as it is.
the way things are going.
i tried to look for you.
but you just weren't there.

To accept the things i can't change
courage to change things i can
& lastly wisdom to know the difference.

2009-04-28T23:45:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, when someone pushes you to your max and make you crack,
you'll tend to take a tumble and crash.
Then, you'll do things at a speed of much slower than before.
That's when you're being pushed too hard, and at a pace that you couldn't even keep up with in the first place.
There's a reason for steps.
I'm sorry, I only can take one or two steps at a time.
I wish I could make a leap, but sorry, its not within my ability.
I'm not at the level you're at.

okay so the week started out as usual, STRESSFUL now that we're in year 3.
startin to get irritated in class, but its all cool cos im always sitting next to mark jiabeng and chin.
THE 4.0 GPA PEEEEPS WHO HAVE SO MUCH PATIENCE TO TEACH ME COS IM ALR LAGGING IN CLASS AND ITS ALREADY THE 2ND WEEK!

soooooo anyway,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HANDSOME HU!
:D

please be honoured cos this will be the last time im praising you since it will not be your birthday alr! till the following year!

okay tmr IS DAY slack but also not so slack.
i feeeeeel so sleepy but i cant sleep! cos my hair's still wet haha

thurs jogging with MARK!
fri picknickkkkk haha with shan and then movie marathon at my place.
finally some girlie time.
sat i dont know. i got no life and friends. no one asked me out.

id be meeting jerlynn pretttty soon and i miss yiwen alr
all my friends have no time for me even next week.
and the p2 people i most wanna meet isnt either:(

oh wello.

Talking to certain individuals can be therapeutic :D

For some reason i can't quite figure out yet,i get extremely emotional attached to movies.
Like, i cannot stand watching people embarrass themselves on screen, i'd just cringe and look away.
If they get hurt, i feel like crying,
and if its a happy ending i walk out of the movie theatre feeling awesome. =D

2009-04-26T14:01:00.002+08:00

sometimes i feel so small.
sometimes i feel like i should disappear from this world for a moment.
run away. to make you miss me.
sometimes i feel underappreciated.
sometimes i feel im being taken for granted.
sometimes i feel that i put you way on top,
that every slightest mistake you make,
makes my world come tumbling down.
sometimes i wish i never existed at all.
if i didn't, would you miss me?
would you feel like a significant part of your life is gone?
i highly doubt so.
if ever i run away, don't look back.

yes, finally my internet has been fixed.
school has been pretty alright just rather packed and tiring.
i managed to swop my awft practical lessons to be same as mark! so thurs we could go joggin.

on friday,
we all went into the cleanroom!
and gosh it was errrrrrrrrrr an experience i should say?
haha one day id take peeekchas to show you how it looks like.

so anyway after school i rushed home to change and bathe and pack.
went to meet wx after the longest time ever.
caught up a lil. and i had to rush off to meet shuming who waited for a long time! sorrrrry
then i treated him to frolick, the poor boy didnt like yoghurt and he ate it without telling me!

so we went to nicks house after that
and met junkai yile nick guohua bear justin xiaowei
had steam boat! and a drinking session
sm and nick slept soundly
haha shan came at about past 12
i went with her to crystal jade to get siew mai.

slept for about one hour plus
and i woke up thanks to shuming and his scary head that popped out infront of my face
we ended up talking through the morning and i learnt a piano piece from him:DDDD

the tune has been playing in my head ever since!
me shuming shan and nick went for breakfast at ljs

i went home at about 1.
with no sleeeeeep lol
nick and then yiwen came over so my mum could fetch us to boat quay
we went to timbre with ken weihao the two joels
the rest of the people ps us.

lol joel tan requested the band play for us a song, crazy frog.
wanted to sit on the gmax but it waas wayyyy ex! HAHA

had the plans to watch a movie at first but me and yiwen was too tired
so everyone went home.
i crashed and woke upat 2pm wowwwzxza

A love story

He met her at a party. She was so outstanding, many guys chasing after her, but while he was so normal, nobody paid attention to him.
At the end of the party, he invited her to have coffee with him, she was surprised, but due to being polite, she promised.
They sat in a nice coffee shop. He was too nervous to say anything, she felt uncomfortable, she thought, please, let me go home...
Suddenly he asked the waiter: "would you please give me some salt?I'd like to put it in my coffee."

Everybody stared at him, how strange!
His face turned red, but, still, he put the salt into his coffee and drank it.
She asked him curiously: Why did you do that?
He replied: "When I was a little boy, I lived near the sea, I liked playing in the sea, and I could feel the taste of the sea, just like the taste of the salty coffee. Now every time I have the salty Coffee, I always think of my childhood, think of my hometown, I miss my hometown so much, I miss my parents who are still living there".
While saying that tears filled his eyes.
She was deeply touched.
That was his true feeling, from the bottom of his heart.
A man who can tell out his homesickness,
he must be a man who loves home, cares about home,
has responsibility towards his home...

Then she started to speak.
She spoke about her faraway hometown, her childhood, her family. They had a really nice talk, and it was also a beautiful beginning of their story.
They continued to date.
She found that he was actually a man who could meet all her demands;
he had tolerance, was kindhearted, warm, and careful.
He was such a good person but she would have missed him if not for his salty coffee..

Their story was just like every beautiful love story,
the princess married to the prince,
and they lived the happy life...
And, every time she made coffee for him, she would put some salt in the coffee, as she knew that's the way he liked it.

After 40 years, he passed away, he left her a letter which read: "My dearest, please forgive me, forgive my whole life lie.
This was the only lie I said to you---the salty coffee.

Remember the first time we dated? I was so nervous at that time,
I had actually wanted some sugar, but I said salt.
And it was hard for me to change so I just went ahead.
I never thought that could be the start of our communication! I have tried to tell you the truth many times in my life, but I was too afraid to do that, as I have promised never to lie to you about anything...
Now I'm dying, I am afraid of nothing,
so I'd tell you the truth: I don't like the salty coffee, what a strange bad taste...
But I have had the salty coffee for my whole life!
Since I knew you, I have never felt sorry for anything that I do for you.
Having you with me is my biggest happiness through my whole life. If I can live for the second time, I would still want to know you and have you for my whole life, even though I have to drink the salty coffee again".
Her tears flowed endlessly.

One day, someone asked her: what's the taste of salty coffee? "It's sweet." She replied.

Love is not to forget but to forgive.
Not to see but to understand,
Not to hear but to listen.
Not to let go but to Hold on.

Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear.

You are the honey in my tea.
No, not something I can't live without.
Rather, something I would like everyday.

2009-04-23T21:12:00.002+08:00

OKAY IM DAMN TIRED
AND IM SO GONNA SLEEP EARLY

good news is,
im in the same group as mark jiabeng derrick and maretta
WOOOOO i managed to swap:D:D:D

and i was suppose to meet mark today but that twit ended up gymming too long and lost track of time
and you know how strict my jogging time is. SO I DIDNT WAIT
and you OWE ME BIG TIME MARK KEONG hahahahhaha

k tmr till sunday nonstop madness
1) 830am sch.
2)430pm reach home
3)5pm meet wx
4) meet shuming after
( ASSHOLE WHICH PART OF THE DAY CAN WE SLOT IN OUR L4D YOU TELL ME?!!)
5)go to nick's house
6)GO HOME. sleep for awhile. change
7)go to town meet weykeen buy slippers
8)meet the girls
9)go home slack
10)cab to timbre
11)drinking
12)17again
13)L4D AGAIN
14) go back to my place.

ZOMBIFIED.
nice.
k update soon!

2009-04-21T23:39:00.002+08:00

It's like.....
finally buying an ice cream cone after waiting in the queue,
in the unrelenting sun,for a million years,
surrounded by pushy ladies with loud voices
and sweaty uncles in their orange crocs,
and before you can actually enjoy it,
some wretched child knocks into you in his wretched heelys
and your cone falls and is no more.

Kill the child or kill yourself?

okay right now im like tapping into someone's internet.
ive been so darn depressed everyday,
so stressed out. my face is still swelled abit here and there.
pleaseeeeeeee find me some happy pills!
im so thankful for the presence of chin and mark. that life in classes arent that bad
:)

id be going to mark's place every thursday now. to jog together at botanic gardens after class.
from his place to town! haha coooooolio

anyway id update again sooooooon
cos i keep getting disconnected!

argggh

2009-04-19T15:09:00.002+08:00

its a harsh world out there.
and think about it long term.
sometimes, its not what we like to do,
sometimes we no longer have the option and its what we have to do.
i hope this blow, is finally big enough to help you grow up.
because its truly about time.

i finally have the chance to just lie down and slack for awhile hence the blog post.
im at my aunt's house cos i dont have internet connection ftm!
yesterday i was totally worn out from all the moving.
was up at like a frigging 6am to help pack and move.
at 1.30, went down to help debate a lil which turned out to be a total waste of time.
so i left with kha for town to go home.
started packing with my siblins and ilya cos my mum went I DONT KNOW WHERE.
nicholas and junkai came over to help move alot of stuff. thanks so much.
kenneth and pearlyn came at night. pearlyn came with baileys ice cream. HEAVENLY.
i slept rather early for the first time ever.
super worn out and im still so tired cos i was made to wake up early again.
packing still isnt done. argggh

k im gonna do all my faccebook stuff first. update again another time!

2009-04-18T00:28:00.002+08:00

It really feels like God is putting me through a fluctuating chart of emotions,
for me to work out a foolproof plan of Life Management.
Like as though I am already playing Monopoly of Reality;
to dominate and earn the most ideal of situation within the quickest time.
Which is goddamn tough.
Life has never been kinder,
to wake up so early in the morning and then
packing and unpacking.
Today some one casually said, ]
all these things that have happened may be a good thing for you,
because it allows you to exit the comfort zone and then plunge yourself into a sea of setbacks.

When you're young you need to get thrown into such situations more
to learn how to thrive in there. How true.

im really worn out.
by everything that has been happening everyday.

i want just a day where i dont have to worry about anything.
and sit by the beach and watch the sun go down, and eat on a mat and lie on a hammock that michael has given me:D

speaking of which,
rmb that black car my mum was driving before.
yes im getting that:D and despite me not havin a license. weihao or nick can drive in that if there's ever a need!

im really really grateful for what he has done for my family.
and auntie winnie, auntie angeline, ilya and the rest of my sister's friends.
they helped in many ways, the packing the moving etc.
sad to say, this is a period, where we can see who our true friends really are.
i just asked like someone to help, yeah a whole lot of bullshit i get.
i really appreciate ken's reply though.

tough days ahead. but id get through.

and frankly, i do hope you'd come back and get through this with me.
i need someone now.
im not as independent as everyone thinks i am

I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity
and I’ve been locked inside that house all the
while you hold the key
I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go,
promise I’m going because I’ve gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I’ve gotta get outta here
And I’m begging you,
I’m begging you,
I’m begging you,
to be my escape.

2009-04-17T01:55:00.002+08:00

Still as captivating,
Still as enchanting,
Still that same figure i kept in my memory,
the way i want to remember you
That same smile,
very charming.
It still makes me melt.

It has been months since then,
but you,
you still have a hold on me.
***

Ever had someone whom you forget completely?
Even though they seemed to be the roots of your life at one point of time.
You forget so much that even the sound of their names does not tug any strings in your heart. The memories are of blurry images.
Often i thought to myself, was there even love?

But at the same time,
do you have someone that would always have a place in your heart?
That one person whom you'd always have a soft spot for.
Every bit of memory have etched itself so deeply,
its feels like it has been woven into every fibre of your being.
It has very much become part of you.
Have you?
Because i do.

It haunts.

i need to vent it somewhere somehow.
someone who will listen and understand
please talk to me now.

2009-04-15T00:10:00.002+08:00

I feel like I am at the edge of a pitfall,
looking into the bottomless pit wondering if there's a better place in it.
If I go, I'll be letting down you/you/you/you/myself?
I am sitting here until daybreak.
I hate to say this but,
how come I cannot be her?

I hate how wounds can never heal.

Sigh :(

i woke up at 7am plus!
had crystal jade with mama and auntie angeline.
went back home and they quarrelled again, and i freaking cant go back to sunset way.
i lovethat place.
alot of memories. with all the diff groups of people.
from all the parties, stayovers, empire sessions, taupok, xbox, charades, taboo, movie marathons, drinkin games and the list goes on!

it has become like everyone's second home!
i feel so attached to the entire neighourhood.
im so sad to leave, more sad than the fact that i wont have a father?
cos he gave me soooo many bad memories. stuff i wish to just forget.
so anyway, id be staying at the private property in town. very very near wheelock and the 4 seasons.

i lan-ed with pearlyn and try today
it was gooooood.

today i finally went to the doctor.
cos it hurts and stings so bad.
sigh im just sooooo upset now.

Frown whenever I don’t have my specs on
Yawns periodically without closing my mouth
Stone at someone or something for a long time
Exterior seems super serious but inside feels ultra "kan-cheong"
Ignore someone’s presence without realizing it
Man, I’m only 18+,

what ever happened to the vibe of a youth?!?
& if you happen to experience the above scenarios,
I seek your understanding &forgiveness.
Let me know how I can improve!

2009-04-14T00:02:00.003+08:00

So much has changed in the span of this holidays.
Or maybe everything was already set in motion like last term,
it's just that the change creeps up so slowly that it's only when it's upon you
that you realise the effects.

Although the past few days have been nice.
Like managed to meet up with kenneth ivan and pearlyn. Haha.
and that totally kinda made me feel much better., not forgetting the jackpot session i had with mama in the afternoon cos i was feeling so stressed out. can you imagine, she took me to destress.
i think i did for awhile! cos of my 100buck note:DDD

something shitty happen today.
i wont blog about it here.
its just the same old thing.
and yeah the divorce papers came today. my dad became a tank/ tanker whatever.
shuming made me laugh, asking me to take a shotgun to shoot him down.

anyway thanks so much really, to everyone who listened and accompanied me for a while.
thanksssss shuming for making me laugh all the time,
nicholas for answering my phone call at the right time lol,
chang kenneth and esp xinyi who made me almost cry when i read her text!!
and pearlyn for listening the whole day
and we had the "i look ad you and you look at me session"
impromtu trip to vivo was not bad. and i like sounded the alarm whatever shop i walked into and back out. it was annoying but funnnneh

went to aunty angelines house and met lil john:D
he's superrrr cute! and then now im in the house at town. for the night.

what i really want to do now, is to just lie down and feel the sea breeze on my face,to experience that uplifting feeling,to be able to release my thoughts openly,to be able to be free, relaxed, expressive.

A good friend of mine once told me that he believes in spending money, not just on material things like a branded bag, a pair of new sneakers, but more on experiences.
Concerts, events, i dont know, just, an experience.
and you know, im starting to find a lot of truth in that.
i guess ultimately, its all the single memories we experience that make up our life in its entirety!

i want to spend a day at the airport, looking at planes land and take off,
looking at the faces of those welcoming and sending off their loved ones.

i want to fly a kite in the open field

i want to lie at the jetty, to enjoy the breeze, watch the sunset, then enjoy the starry night sky.

i want to run towards a sunrise

i want to be inspired.

and would this last for an eternity?
living what we were meant to be,
wrinkled hands in the vast city
or nothing more that just a fee.

but right now
i feel nothing but stress and moodswings

how now brown cow

2009-04-11T22:37:00.002+08:00

I caught "He's just not into you" AGAIN,
some guys are really dickheads,
they are shit faces, douchebags and the list goes on
and i think all guys should watch this
and realise what's been going on in their own puny little brains that
all they think of is themselves and how to be so full of themselves.
This will teach all of you assholes a lesson, & learn it well, assholes.
Am not referring to anyone in particular, ( UNLESS YOU ARE FEEING GUILTY OF CHARGE!)
just jerks out there who thinks of solely how they feel and want and need.
All they want is sex, money and pleasure, wtf do you gain out of that kinda life?

Aids I hope.

holidays are coming to an end.
i guess its a good break? slack all day, till i even forgot what day it was today!
i have been having sushi for meals almost this whole week and you can say, IM STILL NOT SICK OF IT. haaaaa
salmon belly soup for every single sushi tei dinner which is with chang, yiwen and kenneth on diff outings!
more sushi with try and yiwen. goshhhh yes i know what a pig!
and it isnt helping how much fats im suppose to be cutting down.

anyway i watched fast and furious with mama nicholas kenneth yiwen jeremy and tasha
that day i was SERIOUSLY LIKE A P!
sushi tei for dinner and it was alr quite a lot!
nydc with the rest of the peeps and it was again ALOT
and all the other nonsense we brought into the cinema.
i scolded a bunch of china peeps esp this stupid woman who kept kicking my chair throughout the ENTIRE MOVIE.
urrrrgh foreigners!

kenneth stayed over ytd after a game of l4d and movieeeeeed all the way till 5am?
xmen and other nonsense.
haha and then movie-d again when we woke up. heroes and all.
try shocked me when she appeared in my house ALL OF A SUDDEN.
and i went out with her. i think i should seriously avoid the malls FROM NOW ON PLEASE.
if your my friend, help me. despite me telling you how much therapy i need,my account needs therapy too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can still remember those night. as well as your face, and your voice.
It breaks my heart knowing I can never get those nights back.
I miss you so much.
I could have fallen in love with you.
I was scared, and young.
You will never be forgotten.

Always in my heart.

So damn bloody sick of love songs.
End of story.

2009-04-09T01:42:00.002+08:00

This feels funny, but I'm sure I will get over it.
Or drag myself through it.
It's just a matter of time, no? Yes please, I hope so.
The different states of mind that we slip in and out of unconsciously.
It's all in the mind they say.
What irony, for if the mind is for rationalising,
why does unconsciousness exist in the first place?

I hope I'm not talking nonsense.

okay im gonna sleep soon.
watching numbers now. im waking up prettty early!
like 8am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay i need to. id feel ahellllll lot better than how im feeling now about everything.
if not at this rate, im so gonna burst and fly into a bitch fit.

2009-04-08T02:57:00.002+08:00

I think there are just some people whom I will never figure out.
They constantly surprise you pleasantly in subtle ways.
Like biting into a cupcake and having the hidden chocolate syrup pleasure your taste buds. You are taken aback, swallowing the pastry with surprised delight.
And suddenly, your day just became more interesting.
yeah and its just with a short convo via sms.

Food analogies. You gotta love them.

Lately I've been getting answers to my inquisitive mind.
Perhaps, this is it? I will not try to understand things that are too hard for me or investigate matters that are beyond my power to know.
I'll just concentrate on what's been given to me.
Maybe its time to let go, lift up all my anxieties
and just concentrate on living life to the fullest.
This should be it,
but
i just cant frigging let go.

you know the interesting thing about rubbing salt in wounds?
its eventually the best way to heal the wound. you keep your head up,
and u stare the bloody problem in its face.
for being sad and negative about it, would only make things worst.
there's no point regretting.
learn from the past mistakes and move on.
there's really no security in this earth,
there's only opportunity.
but really, what opportunity do i have left?

hoping i sound as unconceited as humanly possible,
i want to say that i think im starting to care too much about some things.
once in awhile, i invest all i have in people who are sometimes undeserving,
only to be thrown into a pit of hungry lions, left to fend for myself.
i get lost easily.
i give in too eagerly.
its becoming increasingly difficult to understand myself sometimes,
and i end up feeling like the shell of an extremely unmotivated human being.
i am cut against the grain, countless times.
sore,
defeated,
scarred.
flung into walls of thorns.
i emerge beaten down, tired and still, smiling through all my effortless failures.
perseverance and a whole lot of willpower i didnt know i had,
ive learnt to take most things in my stride.

all thats been happening recently, though, is a little new to me.
and it seems the more i try working out the kinks,
the more often i get bruised by the things that happen around me,
the circumstances i have to face.
this is where i begin to end,
when i realise i care too much.
for everyone, and everything else.
and the world, it spins madly on.

unknowingly, you have become and became a force that drove me.
there's the push you used to give, and then there's the pull.
and ultimately, the destination, which may very likely,
be you.f
or reasons i cant explain or justify, i would brave the world for you.
id fight you, id fight for you.
(she may be all that, she may be cute as a button.
but never, will she feel for you all that i feel.
never, would she risk it all,
just to have you near, like i would.
never would she care for you and understand all the things i hold in my heart for you.)

i never imagined you meaning this much, but you do.
you do, and you will.

and this is how badly you hurt me this time round.

aside from that,
im so disappointed in myself.
i failed as a daughter, a sister and a friend.
im sucha failure be it in life or studies.
the whole world just came crashing down together at the wrong time and place.
i just feel so lost without you by my side, hearing me out, being there when i have to cry.
i feeeeeel so weak and helpless without you.
i cannot cry, and i work so hard into losing weight and become sucha exercise freak,
lost all appetite, slack all day and spent impulsively, just in hope,
that one day, just one day, hoping you would come back.
even though i know it wont happen. i just want to live in self denial.
i feel so arggh with myself ( i cant think of any word to use atm)
that i have not been there for my siblings, to make sure they are on the right path.
which is, staying away from smoking.
prolly, if i had been a better sister, things wouldnt have turned out that day.
nicholas wouldnt have got canning. i feel so terribly ashamed of myself.
i feeeel so shitty i keep finding faults with my friends. i just cant agree with some of the things they do. but it shouldnt be bothering me should it?

like what they should choose, the options given.
i think the best way is to just shut up about everything and dont COMMENT.
but its hard. cos im someone who cant suppress for long, the anger, the worries and whatevernots.
i dont wish for you to get hurt, and its weird for me.
i dont want for the day, to choose between either of you.
i dont want history to repeat.

i need my friends:(

okay ive said my piece.
a terribly long post.

2009-04-06T00:46:00.002+08:00

So, I just watched the latest episode of Gossip Girl episode 20 and I am now sooooooooooooooooooooo frustrated.

OH MY EFFING GOD WHAT IS THE PROBLEM WITH THE WRITERS?!?!?!?!
I will try not to spoil, but seriously, wtf.
The whole episode is just so damn screwed up, especially the way it ended. I HATED IT.
There is like no happy couple left?! okay well now that blair and nate are back together but its soooo wrong!

Chuck and Blair BELONG together.
And our favourite on-off couple are off again,
but the way the whole thing unfolded just makes my blood boil.
Is it really so hard to write an episode that satisfies your fans?

I mean, yeah, as a writer, it's probably a good thing that the story constantly has changes, and it's constantly keeping the audience in suspense, but don't you think that since Gossip Girl is a hit popular series, you should consider the feelings of your fans sometimes?
Come on, some writers do plot twists really well, but when a writer does a plot twist just for the sake of having one, IT FREAKING SHOWS.
It's a really bad literary and media faux pas.
The whole purpose was probably supposed to create suspense,
and like, surprise the audience or something,
show everyone that the writer or writers are unpredictable,
but I'm losing patience.

It's really stupid that the writers are coming up with silly subplots that make zero sense and irritate people, like the whole Blair-gets-expelled shit and the Chuck-can't-remember-last-night nonsense which reminds one of a very bad attempt at a spy thriller.
We don't bloody need your conspiracy theories in our favourite high school TV series, thanks.

Oh, and I also hated that coat that Serena was wearing in one of the episodes.
All that extra fabric around her shoulders made her look like a retarded tranny.
Oh gosh, Maybe I sound mean, but it's only my favourite TV series ever?!
And honestly, maybe the same writers are the ones who brought us the previous glorious season.
I can only hope that they can snap out of this funk and write something worth watching!!

anyway i completed the 90210 series too.

recently i realized that i have been really moody and treating everyone very shitty-ly

like i may not be the best friend or whatever i have my flaws i accept that but like i know my flaws, the main ones, and i try to tone down but usually my brain reacts a lil too slowly haha so in the end in comes out.
but like there is this bugging thing in my to try to change other people when they do something insensitive.
(ok if you read this and you think its you, its probably you, hahahaahah joking omg look at me i cant stay in one mood range for longer than 10 mins well at most one day? , ok if you think its you it may not be you)

so if you think im treating you badly, its probably because i really wanna tell you something about the way you behave to/ in front of me.
and something i have learnt from my last 2 years is that we have to treasure friendships while they last,
like you will never know who your friend really is until you know them for like 6 over years hahah even then it may not be enough something may just snap in them and they might change. ( at this point if you still think its you, its probably you)
omg i bet people reading this will be like she is so mean and like obvious and straightforward and im like thinking that exact same thing too but whats the use of sugar coating this, its just gonna make you fat.
yeah like me=(

its so sad when i realize that i cant even confide in the people i that i could because we are just moving in opposite directions but luckily for me despite this i still have others who i know i can always count on.

so if you may be thinking nicolette, you can be such a bitch at times,
im thinking right on dude i also think so and dont be afraid of to tell it to me, unless i already dont like you and you know it, then be very afraid cos i have so much more spite and sarcasm whever that came from.
when everyone's asleep my mom prints money and i bake sarcasm cookies in my oven!

okay after the many facebook quizzes,
its been confirmed. i have no friends left!

cos some nice friend has gone all....
haywire?
yeah you got that right!

I want what i can't have.
I'm given things I don't want.
I'm starting to think, I'm cursed.

Seriously?
Go figure.

2009-04-05T03:36:00.002+08:00

why is it that everytime you manage to fool yourself into thinking that this is it,
something too obvious just slams you in your face?
it is most annoying. you know,
i always thought i make quite a good friend.
i'd listen if i have to, i'll try to do what a friend ought to do. idk why, but truth is,
i am a lousy friend.
i dont have a friend who can love me for me. and for a really weird reason,
the fun crowd is always the superficial crowd.

we thought we'd last forever.

today i heard something that really hurt. something that cut to the bone.
something that really made me stop in my tracks.
then i realised that i do have to stop. that i should have stopped long ago.
take stock of my life, notice the emptiness.
i feel i should take some time off, reorganise my life. make new plans,
see to certain things and let go of certain things.
the most painful thing to do is always letting go.

when you open your mahjong tiles and you see 3 yi shuo, but 9 wan zi,
you only can win best by letting go of the shuos. and i always always find this part the hardest. letting go.

admist all the cutting remaks that i have to bravely take in stride like a boy,
( i am not a boy really)
this is most hurtful.
it didnt have to come out from your mouth,
it doesnt have to be now, it still hurts,
and it will always hurt. until i don't give a shit about us anymore.
and i can do that.

i believe anyone can uproot a feeling if they set their heart to it.

haha and tell me when you seee this:D

2009-04-04T12:40:00.000+08:00

If you think your life sucks, take mine as consolation